After reading this, I am saddened to see there are several young women who are being set up (even by their families, communities, and culture) for some very serious problems in their marriages.

To explain… I was like some of the girls here: an American convert, sexually abused as a child and without a father or brother as a wali. I am short, just a tad overweight, and have acne which no doctor seems to be able to control or cure. When I was 19-20 and studying at a large state university, it seemed like EVERYONE I knew was getting engaged or married. And looking at my own situation, I felt I was a helpless case. With a mother who was hostile to Islam, my past, and my looks, I didn’t have anything “going” for me except my Deen (which for whatever reason is not enough on its own).

I found a nice, responsible and respectable brother who was willing to help me find a good Muslim husband. He could find no one. After a while this brother had moved overseas and asked me if I wanted him to keep looking, to which I agreed. A short while later, he wanted to introduce me to a “most amazing brother, masha’Allah”. This man *seemed* to have it all; good deen, good looks, good job. And not only that, but he was willing to be charitable enough to marry the lonely, INSECURE, ugly, non-virgin convert. I spoke with him on the phone a few times and agreed to marry him. The brother I had asked to help me look for a husband had a problem and couldn’t come to the wedding, so I was married off by a sheikh who moved overseas…

The problem? He was a pathological, malignant narcissist (google it if you do not know what that means). He was a living facade, a shell with nothing on the inside. He really had everyone tricked! Everywhere we went, everyone thought he was a really nice, religious Muslim. No way! He violated everything he could of me, the children, and the marriage. Honestly, I was disrespected and humiliated more than when I was abused. If you think tribal Muslims with no real education of the deen can twist it around to suit cultural practices, you haven’t seen ANYTHING a narcissist can do.

There wasn’t any help for me. He had no respect for my mother, so she couldn’t admonish him for anything. He was so arrogant that he didn’t listen to the imaams or the scholars I begged help from… instead, he learned more ways to twist things to his liking. He shopped for fatwas to do the most ATROCIOUS THINGS. The longer he was in the community, the more people trust him, believed him, looked up to him… and the less anyone wanted to help me or the children. I was labeled a kook as soon as I broke the silence. When I asked for a divorce, I was told I would need a wali so that reconciliation could be attempted before a divorce could be issued. I HAD NONE. It took me three years to get his abuse caught on tape so I could have evidence for police (for protection, since he had threatened to kill me twice before) and for the courts to protect the children from being taken out of the country (he always threatened to take the kids and leave them with his parents overseas). By the time this happened, I had severe depression and needed to be on medication.

The community didn’t help us- they spied on us. Several sisters I know were continually harassed by him, he could call them 30+ times a day and demand they tell him things. Them and their husbands would get so upset that I had to cut ties with all of my friends to keep him from abusing THEM.

What I want women to know… All of us have our situations. But don’t EVER settle on a brother because you think your time is running out, or that you should be the grateful recipient of an act of charity to marry you with your “imperfections”. There are some REALLY nasty men out there who can AND WILL trick your you, the imaam, and your parents. Sisters, please… you are all sooo much better than that. Allah did not make you cheap, so do not settle on charity! You are all beautiful and DESERVING of a long life based on mutual respect, honesty, trust, mercy, and love.

I hope insha’Allah that on this board, that families and community members will see this and realize what they are doing to the young women in their care. This is NOT Islam. When you encourage your sons to look for women of light skin color or from some country or demand that you can’t pinch an inch on her, YOU ARE DEGRADING ALL WOMEN, PERIOD. You are creating almost a caste system, one of which there are two groups- “perfect” women for respectable marriages, and another group for “flawed” women who must humbly take whatever is thrown to them. Please don’t do this!!!

May Allah have mercy on us all!

As’salamu Alaikum sisters,

I wanted to drop a note in here again and say thank you for sharing your hearts about marriage.

For anyone who hasn’t done so yet, I really want to invite all of you to make sure you are on our mailing list, so that you don’t miss any of the upcoming programs I am doing to offer resources for the marriage process.

Sr. Heather, your comments I’ve found in a few places and I am really moved by what you have to say. I think that the fact that you are calling us all to live up to a level of higher consciousness is beautiful and essential. Naturally,that also means you are special, not because of your “disability” but because of your profound ability to see reality the way it needs to be, instead of what it often is.

For the sisters afraid of abuse, I understand.

At the same time, the fact that there is the potential for bad in the world can’t stop you from moving outside your door.

There are men who abuse, but there are MORE men who do not.
There are people who die on the freeway in cars, but there are MORE people who are safe everyday driving.
There are people who get sick from food poisoning from eating out, but there are MORE people who are just fine.

I am going to be releasing a video about this subject soon, just starting into it (as there is much to cover on this topic) in our Find Your Mr. Right blog - so stay tuned for that.

The upcoming program I am doing, though, insha’Allah, is going to help you all find more resources first within yourself to help you in the marriage process.

Sincerely, though, I ask that Allah blesses you all with hearts that are close to Him, full of iman, so that you are blessed in the AKhirah, in Jannah, and can move through this life knowing that Rabil ‘Alameen is there, and for your patience, there is reward, growth, and hikmah behind all of those moments. Ameen.