Your Biggest Obstacle To Marriage: Women 25-30
UPDATE: How EMOTIONAL Are The Following OBSTACLES? –> http://tr.im/rate_obstacles
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In the comments below, please mention:
1. Your age.
2. What is the biggest obstacle that has prevented you from getting married until now?
3. What have you tried so far to overcome that obstacle?
** The video is blurred to maintain Islamic standards of modesty **
Does there need to be an obstacle? I feel like I’m over the hill now
Assalamu alaykum wrwb,
I don’t know if this is where we answer the questions. The biggest obstacle to me getting married is that I am overwieght and it’s hard to find someone who will look past my size. I have tried diet and exercise to overcome this but no success so far.
Assalam alaikum,
i find it havent found the right muslim man to get married
salam
wiwiek
Assalaamu Alaykum
Age: 25
Biggest Obstacle: Parents! They insist that I must marry someone from the same nationality that I am from. But honestly I’ve gotten very very few proposals from brothers who are from the same nationality as me.
What I tried so far: I tried to convince them by getting an imam to speak to them but sadly they did not change their mind.
My age is 30.
I think my family have prevented me from marriage , because the person is never ‘up to their standard”
wassalam
Assalamualaikum
My biggest obstacle is my parents and my ethnic society. I have made a personal choice not to get married to a brother from my own community because of their general unIslamic culture. My parents however want me to get married to such a man as it suits THEM better. I have had proposals from wonderful practicing brothers but my father being my wali has rejected them based on their foreign ethnicity. I am not married because of the oppression of my parents and I don’t know how to overcome it.
Salam alykum ww,
I am very lucky in that it didnt take to many tries before i got married.I think one of the obstacles i faced was finding someone who didnt mind my size:you see I am overweight and i think this made it challenging for me on my first couple of attempts.I cannot fault the men ,everyone has and idea of what they are looking for as far as physical attraction and this is even more important for men.
The biggest obstacle to getting married is because the bridegroom’s parents demand the girl many things to do without taking into account her situation, the bridegrroom is brainwashed, and the bride is forced to agree to vague terms according to his parents’ culture.
Asalam aleikum. I find all the Muslim men who proposed to me to be very average. I want a scholar knowledgable in matters of Deen. All of my friends husbands always ran to the imam to ask the simplest questions. I never did anything substantial to overcome this. I will be thirty in 14 months. Scary!
slmz all,
I am not good at this so please bear with me. I am 29 year single female never married.
I come from a strict islamic upbringing & am very conservative, however the reason that I am not married until know is because since birth I was born with a disability, I could’nt walk, now I can & it has left me with a slight limp (& am over wheight - but thats not as important am working on that know)like i was saying the limp with a leg length discrepancy (you probably thinking so what - no1’s perfect..)Thats what I thought until I had to go through heartbreak after heartbreak, proposals breaking off: The reason “Im not perfect enough” “What will my friends say if we walk down the road” “my mother does’nt think you perfect enough” “I know I said it does’nt matter,but know after thinking it does” etc..So obviously this has left a feeling of being used and hurt but most of all I felt my mothers pain - they promised her and then to go back on your word.. It has left a feeling of not wanting to get married for a long time.. they become your friend, you honest from day 1 - they ok with it until 1 day, they not interested anymore.. I cannot and will not put myself through that is what I told myself.. I told them that its what in the heart that counts and Allah looks at your heart. Having a limp does;nt make me any less of a person \i am still Allah’s creation…
As time went by my focus has changed I have become closer to Allah & I said to Allah - Ya Allah my lifes purpose is to be a complete muslim, to be a good wife,mother and daughter in law and only you can answer my duas so I leave it in your hands - Inshallah when the time is right Ibelive Allah will send him. Everyone has their partner in this dunya.. Ameen.
May Allah except all our duas Ameen. Grant us pious life partners and may us sisters be women like Hazrath Khadija/Aisha R.A.:)
Jazakallah - Ghair
I’m short and fat and now I’m 29 these are the major hindrances
waleiykum salaassalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh
I am 26 years old
2. I don’t know more muslim brothers, I live in a catholic country, and there are very few muslims here, and I am scared of not be interesting enough to atract someone
3. I can’t do anything, I can’t travel, I don’t like chat relationships, I really need a lot of help, I want so much get married and have kids
Salam
May Allah reward you for this effort. First the delay was my parents not looking for me, sibling order, parents criteria etc. Now they have let go of their criteria. It is a case of age and the lack of practising brothers. If I meet someone educated and on the deen then they are looking for a younger more beautiful wife. For some reason many brothers in this age group are not financially set up. They are still getting educated, and many are living at home. Whereas sisters managed to do a lot of this at a far younger age. With the deen it is the same situation with our Islamic classes filled with sisters, and again there is a lack of brothers. What have I done to get married? I have approached married family and friends, tried marriage sites and programmes. I would encourage our sisters to start looking to get married at a younger age, and to start discussing parental issues earlier as well. I would encourage our brothers to focus that bit more on education (Islamic & Secular) earlier on so they can capture the heart of that younger sister they are seeking to get married to. I would also encourage our married couples to do their part in helping this noble effort. May Allah reward you.
I am 29 (and a half ;).
The biggest obstacle I believe, for me, is finding the right person. There are only so many ways to find the right person - auntie or friend-social network, the internet, social gatherings - and none of them provide the opportunity to meet and get to know someone in a halal and comfortable way. Also, friends don’t seem to know anyone (or if they do, they don’t work out/are not compatible).
Short of making dua and depending on friends to “look out for me”, I have not tried anything. I am attending a social event for singles soon, so we’ll see how that goes.
I also believe my other BIG obstacles are that I am not “picture perfect” or drop dead gorgeous, am 29 and highly educated. I believe I am judged based on that without getting to be known personally.
Assalamu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullah
@angel786 - Subhanallah. May Allah grant you the best of dunya and akhirah, ameen. You sound like a strong sister. I know this trial will only make you stronger, with the help of Allah.
Btw, there is an English saying: “You have to kiss a lot of frogs, to find your prince”. It’s not a great reality, but I think many sisters are finding themselves living it right now (but not literally with the kissing!).
Regarding myself. I am in the age bracket of 25-30 years old. I am not sure what my biggest hurdle has been. I think in many ways it has been myself. When I started looking for a partner at the age of 23, I was a little zealous about several things (especially the deen), which was off-putting to suitors.
I’ve never been fussy about the details about wages, education, etc - but do insist on ‘clicking’ with the person. Both on the level of personal principles, life goals, and a little SOH to sweeten the deal.
But, saying that, my father also has been an obstacle to some degree. I don’t want to accuse him of ‘oppressing me’, but I do think sometimes he has made the whole process too difficult. May Allah forgive us both.
I’m 24 (but will be turning 25 in approximately 3 weeks and 5 days). there are many reasons why i’m putting off marriage, one of them is my fluctuating weight, i always put myself on a diet and once i lose the weight i somehow put it back on. however the biggest issue has to be the fact that i don’t think im worthy of marriage, when i was a young girl i was sexually abused, i’ve kept this to myself for a long time, but its preventing me from getting married because i feel as though im used goods, also i find it really hard to interact with men, i try avoid any contact with men. i havn’t really done much to overcome this issue and i don’t know what to do.
Assalaamu Alaikum warahmatullah wa barakatuhu,
1. I am a 23 year old female; yes I know, I know but the way time is flying I’ll be 25 in no time. =)
2. That being said, I feel I am not married because my parents have not found anyone yet. They say they are looking but I do not think they feel like it is a necessity right now. Also, my geographical area may not have as many eligible brothers, or Allah has not said it is time for me to get married yet.
3. What have I done to overcome the above?
Salat, dua, matrimonial websites -which by the way have not worked thus far, asking for my parents’ blessing and advice.
The biggest obstacle for me are(i’m still looking):
1.My educational degree makes me look out for guys who is at par or greater
2.the zing being absent
3.at last have found a guy but we have never met just chatting in gtalk,don’t know if marriage is on his mind
4.my location
what i have tried?
just the matrimonial sites …
As salaam walaikum,
1. Your age.
27
2. What is the biggest obstacle that has prevented you from getting married until now?
My location and the fact that I want to work after marriage and having children, which most practicing brothers do not want. With my occupation, it’s not possible for me to take a 3 - 4 yr break and then expect to find a job. Also, my parents will never agree to let me marry someone who will let my education go to waste. Also, most of these brothers will not even consider the option of day care.
3. What have you tried so far to overcome that obstacle?
The only thing I can do - keep looking. I don’t want to compromise on religion as I know many guys who are not-so-religious who are more open to letting me work but I do not feel comfortable marrying someone who doesn’t even do the basics - praying salah, keeping halal, etc. So, I’m stuck in singlehood for now.
Assalamualikum wa rahmatuAllahi wa barakatuh,
I know I dont fit the category of (25-30) but wallahi I really want to get married!! I dont want to live my life working and earning money (even though it makes me feel independent). But wallahi I know that this is not my role in this world! I am a 23 sister living with my parents and younger sisters. I am the oldest and the only one working. So I have a lot of responsisbilities. I feel selfish thinking of moving on and thinking of a good husband cos my family need me! I dont get much proposals .. mainly cos I am never home and I always working. So I dont even know if people know that I exist or that I am looking for someone. I have a bit of a temper on me (but wallahi I am working on it). So worry that whoever I come to know will find me high maintenance! AllahuAl3lam! Maybe there is a reason why I am not married yet…
What have I done to overcome this….try attending events where there are women!lol well, just to let them know that I am HERE?! hELLO!!! but to be very honest..they dont take notice…and I dont enjoy it anyway!
Help me
JazakumAllah Khair.
waleiykum salaassalam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh
I am 27 single never married.
Because simply I haven’t found the right Muslim man to get married to.
Steps to finding Zawj: Speaking to the local imaam, marriage websites, friends looking on my behalf. I would love for my family to help me look but they just refuse, whenever I bring this up I am told to get married to my cousin :)It will happen when Allah swt wills.
Age: 25
Biggest Obstacle: My family are extremely secular Arabs and from quite a respected and well-to-do background. They disprove of me practising the Deen and will not involve themselves in my marriage process so long as I am seeking a righteous spouse. They do not think that I will be able to find a respectable man (by their standards) who is also practising, and I must say, living in England I’m not too sure where to find such brothers either.
What I have tried: Patience and prayer. Seeking help from friends both married and unmarried (though unfortunately the vast majority of friends who can relate to my upbringing are usually not very practising and so are more open to free mixing). I have also tried websites. I am now considering going to stay with extended family, who are more practising than my direct family, in the Middle East to seek their assistance and guidance.
wAllahul Musta’aan
asalaamu alaikum,
I am 25 yrs old
My biggest obstacle in getting married is finding someone!
Ive been looking for 5 years now and its so frustrating. It doesnt help living in a small house with 5 other adults, all getting under eachothers feet. I made it worse for myself by having such a strict criteria on what sort of person he should be for so many years. Even though since last year I dropped all that criteria, I still havent found a suitable person. Also what doesnt help is that I really dont know many people that I could ask, and my parents dont know any practicing people.
What I have done to try to overcome this is not much. Other than ask sisters I know to look out for me and check out marriage websites, what else can I do? Put up an advertisement on tv?
Assalam alykum,
I just truned 31 recently so hope this still counts
1. I was limited to men from my cultural background. I honestly don’t know why but I had very few proposals from them.
* I have spoken to my parents and they’ve given in. I guess it’s my age that convinced them and not my debating skills!
2. Now that I’m open to other cultures I am finding that the men aren’t. They (or their families) have very specific cultural requirements. Considering that, ethinically, I am from the minorites this is causing more delays.
3. I signed up to matrimonial sites. I’m finding these aren’t very useful. Some just send a photo request without even emailing to introduce themselves first and others keep checking my profile few times and not send an email. Is that code word for me to email them?
4. I have spoken to few married sisters whom I trust and think that they may know men who are looking. Most came back with “most brothers who are looking are in their early to mid 20s” and thus I am automatically excluded.
5. I had thought that one the obstacles is not knowing men who are looking to I decided to attend marriage events. I just recently attended one and it was ok. I did’t find anyone but I wasn’t “traumatised” either. I am registered to attend another one at the end of Dec.
I am making dua and asking Allah to keep me strong. I recognise this is a test but I need to constantly remind myself.
Jazaki Allah khair for this.
Wassalam Alykum.
1. Your age = 25yrs
2. What is the biggest obstacle that has prevented you from getting married until now?
My Father wanting to marry within the family, rejected every proposal coming my way. Maybe some other not so favorable elements preventing anybody who wants to come forward to, to sort of back-off. Lastly, My not so perfect looks.
If I wanted to marry with my free will, there are not many brother’s here, where I live, who will not marry only me. They expect an extravagant wedding, and all the other gifts which are expected due to culture.
3. What have you tried so far to overcome that obstacle?
Yes, I did try…I created an account for myself, But none came forward. So I just closed down all accounts, and am praying that Allah SWT will send somebody my way.
Insha-Allah
Assalamu Alaikum,
1. Age: 24
2. (the following are just speculations as to why there is a hindrance in getting married):
I am in medical school, so not only am I hardly seen around, but some of the more practicing brothers may oppose the idea of having a physician wife. And secondly, my family is desi (Pakistani or Indian descent) but we have long since moved out of the desi social circle after changing our ways. However now, we neither fit in with the desis nor are a complete part of our Arab masjid/community.
I think I am more so worried for my friends. MashaAllah they are the nicest girls I have ever met, God-fearing and they are not even picky as to the details about the guy. There are soooo many single practicing sisters and soooo many single practicing brothers here, but all seem to be having trouble in getting married.
3. steps taken: to make sure that people (imam and friends)know that I am looking but in all honestly, it’ll happen when Allah (swt) wants it to, so no complaining there. Just make dua!
As-Salaamu ‘alaikum wa Rahmatullah
age: 24
I am not married because my mum is impossible subhanallah. I love her and may Allah give her the highest of jannah but she wants me to marry only someone from my qabeelah and even then from SPECIFIC families and townships. She has rejected EVERY brother that proposed on the basis of them not being from my qabeelah (not even my country). My father has passed away (Allah yar7amu) and so my brother is my wali. He will only do what my mother says and although he is extremely intelligent and an academic, he is also quite narrow minded.
The steps I am taking towards this is that I am speaking to her and making sincere du’a to Allah. I am also planning to speak to a shiekh so see the options that are open to me.
Make du’a sisters. Allah always provides a way out
Age: 23 (not 25, but not that far off either)
Why not married yet: Several reasons. First, I wasn’t sure if I was ready yet. Marriage is such a big responsibility. How do you know if you are 100% ready? The other thing is that I am a medical student. I don’t know how to juggle both (searching for a partner without losing focus on my studies). Third, my parents don’t want me to get married until I finish my studies. But that will take a long time. I don’t know how to initiate the conversation, and tell them that I want to get married. And lastly, I am living in the USA alone. My family all live abroad. So they can’t really look for me. And I am a shy person who spends most of her time in school (or the library or the hospital). I don’t know how to go about meeting muslim men.
What have I tried: So far only dua. A friend recommended using websites, but I’m not sure how useful they are.
1. My parents are not social; they don’t meet new people so it’s hard to network. They started looking late as well.
This community expects very traditional women and I do not think I meet their standards.
2. I have looked outside of this community online, through friends and family.I make dua.
Alhamdulillah I am married, but got married at the age of 26. I felt old getting married at that age since many of my friends my age were already married for a couple years. My biggest obstacle to getting married prior to that was finding a suitable husband. I lived in a relatively small town with few Muslims. However, I had contacts in larger cities who were keeping an eye out for me. Some of the brothers I exchanged profiles with rejected me because I wear hijab, because my skin color was not the right color for them (SERIOULSY!), or because I wasn’t a physician. Or at least those were the reasons they gave to my family. I think I was also being sort of picky by refusing to meet anyone who was not born and raised in the U.S. (like myself). Ironically, I ended up marrying someone not born and raised here. Alhamdulillah we have been married for 3 1/2 years now.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullah wa barakatu,
Age: 21
My beggest Obstacle is finding the right husband inshaAllah,which unfortunately is hard to find. And secondly,am scared because of the divorce rate even among muslims,so am taking my time till when Allah azza wajal will bless me with the right person who is willing amd to whom am willing to spend the rest of my life for better and for worse till death do us path inshaAllah.
The effort am doing to overcome this obstacle is,am praying hard to Allah and looking around.
JazakhaAllah kairan wa’salam
I am 24 years old but I will be 25 in just a few short months, alhamdulilah,
I am single and have never been married, and would like to in the near future (preferably soon). I am in the same circumstance as many of the other sisters who have already replied to this post. My parents did not want me to get married until I completed my college education. Now that I have completed school, many of the few brothers in my community, who are actually practicing are looking for spouses who are much younger than me. Also my parents have built a reputation with my community for rejecting proposals, left and right. I am not even sure what their expectations are only that no one has met them yet… I have found out that I have received proposals but my parents rejected them without consulting me or even letting me know that I had even received a proposal. So I now find myself in a difficult situation.. any brother who may be interested in me is intimidated by the threat of rejection by my parents. I desperately want to get married but I also want to make my parents happy as well. I have tried talking to other family members about the situation to try to get them to talk to my parents. I am afraid of involving our local Imam because I don’t want my parents to feel like I am disrespecting them by involving “outsiders” into a family affair.. I don’t know what to do. I saddens me to see my peers enjoying the blessings of matrimony while I am sitting here on the sidelines.I am afraid that if I wait for to long that no one will be interested in me, and I don’t want that fear to cause me to later rush to settle for someone that I normally wouldn’t..
I only hope that Allah (SWT) rewards my patience by giving me the partner of my prayers… Inshallah
Walikumassalam wr wb
I haven’t got married yet because my parents think I am not ready to get married yet - in terms of taking on responsibilities to manage a whole house on my own!
They say I need to get trained first, and then get married.
I’m 24.
Alhamdulilah I have a great family who are very open minded. I don’t have to go through all the troubles of race and culture, as long as the guy is a practicing Muslim my parents are happy!
OBSTACLES===== From what I see in the community, I think the most basic obstacles are:
-cultural clashes,
-sisters wanting to continue on with their education and
-financial issues.
I’m really not looking for marriage now, since I’m working on my degree. Inshallah when the time is right it’ll happen. I just want to remind sisters to be patient and not to settle, just because you want a practicing brother with a decent job doesn’t make you picky or high maintenance.
“Verily Allah loves those who are patient”
Alhamdolilah there is no such thing as obstacle but the right did not come yet.
One I’m ready and the ‘prince’ is ready nothing will stop in our way and Allah will make everything easy and smooth
Age: 25
w’salams =D
Salaam,
I am 30 years old. My biggest obstacle is that I am single with a child. Because of cultural conflicts I prefer someone who is a revert/ convert to Islam . It is really hard to find someone who is a convert who can support me and my child. I have had some proposal from brothers who are younger than me. Age ( older but if it is younger should be just 2 or 3 younger not younger than that) is ok but not younger than that) is not a problem as long as the brother is mature who understand that I have a child and should not look at my son as burden but as an asset and he needs to be good role model my child and also someone financial stable ( able to support me and my son ).
I have had people judging me for having my preference. I don’t think it is wrong for me to have my preferences. In fact I think it is my right to have my preference. I am not looking for a doctor or an engineer but someone who I am compatible with spiritually, physically and intellectually and can support me and child andthe only extra thing I would ask ( I am not asking for any luxury in this life) is to help me to visit my parents overseas every year or every other year.
I am divorced and I don’t want another failed marriage. I really love different culture and always been someone who has been attracted to something different from my childhood and that is one of the reason I prefer a revert + I feel they are free from cultural baggage ( which was one of the main reason for my break up. I know even reverts have their baggage but I think I can cope with that. I don’t want to marry someone where it becomes that I am married to the whole family instead of the man. I hope you understand what I mean). I have tried hard to find someone through friends , imams and online but had not been fortunate. I will not marry just for the sake of being married. I need to be inclined to man atleast to a certain degree.
I’m a 28 years old.
1. I haven’t found someone compatable with me and with my lifestyle… there is one major thing that I can’t compromise with, I have been married before and have a child from that marriage, so I’m looking for someone who lives in the same area as I do, or is willing to move here, in order to keep the family structure stable for my son (his father lives here also, and I want him to maintain his relationship with him, it’s neccessary for his proper development).
2. I have tried meeting people, but haven’t found the appropriate match for me… I have tried the online sites, and through the imam at the masjid. I prefer to not accept anything that is not compatable with me/my life, in order to prevent future failure. I heard a hadeeth by the rasol (saaws) saying something about that which is familiar is comfortable, something along those lines…. basically it was a saying about compatability on some level.
As salamun Alaykum warahmatullah,
My age is 35 (sorry, still want to share my obstacle)…
I married on age 26 and got divorced two years ago (after 7 years of marriage). I am Turkish/Dutch woman who also was married to a Turkish/Dutch man and have no kids - more or less the reason why we decided to split. Is this a legitime reason to get divorces ??? NO - I don’t think so, but when your Imaan is not so strong you go along with Shaytaan….
After my divorce I found out by reading lost of books and internet websites (I can recommend http://www.thedeenshow.com) that due to lack of real Islamic knowledge (read Imaan) both my ex-husbands and I have lived our marriage on a non-Islamic way - we had no PATIENCE, didn’t want to accept the QADR predestination for not getting kids and most of all did not see eachother as the precious GIFT of Allah - and followed the way of Shaytaan by acting like the Western Ignorant Society.
Anyway, now that I have redefined my Islamic view of life / perception I feel ready to marry again InsaAllah, but when I look around (in Amsterdam, The Netherlands) I do not see real MUSLIM brothers….. They claim to be Muslim, but in the core you find the behaviour of the Ignorant Western society.
So my big obstacle to get married is THE WESTERN IGNORANT SOCIETY BEHAVIOUR and lack of Islamic knowledge by western-Muslims. Let’s become a REAL Muslims and let’s understand the DEEN from the source (Quran, Hadith and from our Prophet Muhammad S.A.W.), so that WE understand that this live is a test. Let’s try to pass this test on Earth together with a real Muslim(a) person to gain the Eternal life in the Hereafter… InshaAllah.
1. 28
2. Can’t seem to find older practicing brothers who have been born and raised in North America like me. Also, my parents didn’t start the search until after I graduated, so I was 23 when they started. I think they were under the impression that it wouldn’t be so hard, and that they’d find someone very quickly. It really seems like there are more North American Muslim girls than boys.
3. I make dua and I’ve let all my friends know I am looking. But most of my friends are girls who are also looking and they are also in their late twenties. But really it’s gotten to the point where my parents are so stressed out and they insist that I marry someone from overseas. I’m just not comfortable with that possibility.
Asalaam u alaikum!
I am 29 years old, never been married, and actively looking.
The major obstacles I have faced are that in my earlier years (20-24) I wasn’t serious about good proposals, and turned them down for silly reasons. I wasn’t very practicing either and ddin’t value the place of marriage in Islam. Then I met someone and was ready to marry him, but his parents were difficult, and refused me before meeting me or my family. That experience really left me heart-broken and confused. Thereafter, I became a more practicing Muslimah, alhamdulillah, and began hijab. Since my mid-20s, I finally realized the value and importance of deen and marriage in Islam. I have been looking for a more practicing brother to help me in my own spiritual growth, as well as that of my future children inshAllah. But my family’s social circle, although large, does not encompass families who are practicing. So over the years I guess as I have grown and matured, so have my requirements for my future husband, and time has just passed me by. My father also passed away in the interim, leaving my mother to deal with helping me in my search. I’m a pretty average-looking girl, not the model-hot hijabi many guys want, and have been rejected based on a pic and biodata on many many occasions, and feel like now that I am facing 30, it’s one more thing to add to the cons list, as most brothers have plenty of options in younger sisters.
As for ways to overcome, I have gone the family route, the rishta aunty route, expressed to my friends to keep their eyes open, approached imams, as well as tried websites and matchmaking events. So I have tried it all with little success.
May Allah SWT keep us firm on the true path of Islam, and provide for us righteous loving spouses, and patience until that day comes! Ameeeeen!
whenever am talking to a guy, my biggest obstacle is that i don’t find them religious enaugh, or some of them are guys who are not willing to get involved in the dawa or don’t know much about islam and when there is someone who somewhat have that quality then he is not someone that am attracted to. i don’t really worry about this too much cuz Allah is the all knowing and HE knows when and who i will get married to so i have not really tried to kinda overcome this obstacle. i believe that Allah has already planned when and to whom i will get married to, so i always LET GO AND LET ALLAH.
I am 24. I think the biggest obstacle for me has been finding the right person. I don’t think my standards are very high…I just want to be with someone who is at least educated and has the qualities of a good human being. And ultimately, someone with whom there will be mutual care and comfort.
I am mostly relying on my family to help me find someone - but there are drawbacks to that because my parents not only live abroad (I am in grad school in the US), but their social circle is very small and they don’t know many people. Second, I am not that social myself - I don’t know too many Muslims in my area, much less Muslim men I can meet or Muslims who would be willing to introduce me to someone. It’s always awkward asking friends to “help out” too. I don’t know any Muslims in my graduate program either.
I really want to get married, but my options are drastically limited. I don’t have much family here in the US either - they are all scattered and don’t express much interest in helping me. Marriage has been on my mind a lot lately - but there are so many roadblocks - and it can get very frustrating at times, especially as a Muslim woman living on her own, far away from parents, and in the US. I rely mostly on dua not to give up, despite these roadblocks. After all, Allah knows best.
Assalam u Alaikum wrw
I pray Allah swt rewards you all my sisters, us and our families for our patience and determination.
I am 24 turning 25 in a couple of weeks. I also have good Muslim friends, relatives and teachers that are in the 25-40 age range and havent been married yet and are still looking.
My dear sisters I dont know how to begin! ..Subhanallah! We are all facing circumstances that are similar in one way or another. I cannot say what is the biggest obstacle I am facing? In the culture I belong to there is a tendency to blame the person and their lack of the required qualities for whatever blessing is missing in their life.
I know it is from Allah swt whenever it is written and for whatever reason there is this delay.. there is good in it from Allah swt. So maybe it is me? the reason I cannot get married is myself my faults or the good things that I lack in myself. Maybe it is because I do not strive enough in his cause? or sometimes I think it is because I have always been blessed with all necessities in life Alhamdulilah and this is a sort of an atonement..I do not understand there are such good women I know and they have reached an age which is beyond giving birth and they are still on their own striving to survive in this world on their own.
With families I find they tend to keep their optios open. Once there is the initial meeting their is no other correspondence. They dont call back. I guess it is a combination of one or all of the reasons given above. The family is not religiously oriented, or they would rather marry someone belonging to their own cultural or ethnic background. We dont meet a lot of people all the time. I having studied in Canada seem to intimidate mothers that have preferred not to send their children abroad for studies.
The only requirements from my family’s side are that the potentials family be religiously oriented, prayer being a must, the guy should have a decent source of earning and be of good character.
I am convinced I am not ready for marriage/kids. I need to better my deeny and dunyavi life and get closer to my Rabb, this can only be the reason as to why I have yet to be united with my other half. Or Allahu Allam Allah knows best as to what is the reason. We just have to remember..What He has decided for us in BEST for us.
I live with my aging parents and I know this can be my key to Jannah. Allah forgive me.
As to what I have tried. I have tried spreading the word through friends, family, relatives, social networks on the internet, word of mouth, people in the mosque, internet websites, and classified ads.
InshaAllah Allah swt is with us and will reward us here and after. If it is not meant in this life then InshaAllah it is meant in the next.
My love and salam and duas for you all.
Wassalam u Alaikum wrw.
25
My family would like me to marry a brother from the same country they are from. Unfortunately brothers from there want a size 0! Alhamdulillah I love to work out but i’m not thin. I’m healthy but not big. Brothesr and their mothers can’t over look this matter. also they are very close minded. I had an Islamic marriage (not consummated) for about 5 months. Saw the brother like twice (due to distance) that includes the day of the islamic marriage! Now others say no your divorced therefore can’t be married! WHAT!!!!
What haven’t we done! My family and I have been looking since I was 18! That’s a long time!
Honestly I just want to marry a practicing Muslim who will be able to support and the family. Insha’Allah!
Age:28
Obstacles: 1. Culture - I am not compatible with any available bros.
2. Relatives/people with the same nationality - only want me for the the wrong reasons
3. High Standards - I take what I like from any culture, whether traditional or modern, and I look for the same in a brother. This kind of mix I think I’m only going to find in a convert. Although I was born into Islam, Alhamdulillah, I feel like I’m a convert.
4. Education - the lack of it with most of the people in my environment.
Attempts: A. Seeking leaders in the community - but I feel like they are helping their fellow brother out more than me. No one cares what a sister feels, the double standard is an immediate turn-off.
B. Answering your company’s requests. I have doubts it will work in an on-line fashion because I do need to be physically attracted to a person. And I do not want to start liking a facade, and come to find out after the fact about any lies. (I don’t even mean exaggerations. I’m talking about flat-out lies, which includes holding out on truths.)
C. If a person is in your community/environment, it builds a comfort level. For example, at my gym there are a handful of gym members who look like they could be Muslim (it’s hard to tell with Muslim men, and it’s not like they are going to come up to me and start a conversation).
Thank you for asking and listening
walaikumassalam,
jazakallah khair doing this, regardless of how your research goes, just reading all the responses above is soo helpful!
so I guess I’m not the only 26 year old that not married!
Biggest obstacle: initially when I started receiving proposals my parents focused too much on culture, ethnicity and rejected some really good proposals, now the brothers want younger sisters…that and my parents I think have developed a reputation for rejecting without meeting, may Allah me if I am misreading the situation, they are awesome parents mashallah.
what have I done: tried to speak to them about it, they show signs of loosening up, but stick ask the same ethnicity questions, not sure what else to do
im 29 years. i lived with my family most of the time.. my dad seems to have a different meaning when it comes to marriage..not really too many ppl ask for my hand.. maybe he’s overprotective i dont knw…i want someone who’s devouted to god spiritualy and not his tradtiion or culture at first..i always wanted love and a harmonized family.. then i started to think that maybe i dont knw what love is..?? then i thought maybe i dont trust.. ?? and if i dont trust humans? how can i trust god?? how far do i trust myself and how far should i just leave it to god?? im scared a lil… im talking to a brother for a while now and i have to say that my feelings are very intense for him.. even though im not sure if he feels the same..even if he says he does… i knw marriage needs compromise.. and the high divorcing rate isnt encouraging ppl to get married.. the value of a partner is as low as the moment shows… i went to a driving school place today where a secretary worked and i acknowledged a ring on her finger plus she had black clothes on and i realized she was pregnant too. and the first thing on my mind was.. how do these people do that? how do they find the right partner and just settle? how she knows he’s the right one? was she ready to until death do us part? how she knew that… intuition?? i dont knw
Assalamu Alaykum
Age: 25
The biggest obstacle for me and I know it for a fact is Ethnicity. I have been asked for many times while I was in college and I rejected all of them b\c I had bigger dreams and hoped to receive a Masters or Phd. Now my problem seemed to be b\c of my ethnicity. I am a halfy…half arab and half non-arab. Most people in our culture care about one thing and that is nationalism.Big hypocrites. I wear hijab, I am modest, highly educated and religious and even though someone has been pursuing me for a very long time, his mother still can not look past ethnicity. And this women claims to be very “religious”. Although I look middle eastern, speak the language and have never associated with my other half, some families still like to refer to me for what I am instead of a Muslim. I am dying to get married. I make so much dua’ and ask Allah to open people’s hearts.
Good luck to all the sisters out there. I know how it feels when families think and judge for you. InshaAllah khier ya rubb.
Hmmm I’m turning 23 in a few weeks but with how fast time goes by I’ll probably be 25 in no time!
I am so incredibly passionate about getting married but have not started to look yet because 1.) I am afraid of not finding the right person and 2.) getting rejected by someone who I feel IS right for me.
I know I’m an attractive woman alhumdulillah and I have a good personality but I seem to still have low self esteem underneath it all.
I don’t wear hijab and I’m assuming most practicing brothers have a requirement of someone who wears hijab. I feel I am a good Muslim and I’m increasing in my deen but just haven’t gotten to that level yet. It would be nice to find someone compatible who is also trying to grow in his deen and is okay with me not wearing hijab yet. I’m very active in my community and am incredibly good at networking but so far no one has proposed to me.
So to be honest my only two obstacles are not knowing how to go about the marriage process and also not being confident enough.
The only thing I’ve done to overcome these obstacles is to tell my friends to introduce me to someone they think is compatible for me (for the sake of marriage). So far no one has been able to find anyone for me, either that or all the good guys are already taken (married or engaged!).
Asalamu Alaykum,
What has prevented me from getting married? This a question I have asked myself many different times. For a very long time, I just thought there was something seriously wrong with me because I always turned the guy down last minute because I would be terrified for some reason. I have 5 top reasons to why I think I didn’t get married at a younger age or why i’m still not married yet.
1. My own personal pickiness/fear of unkown; there was always something wrong with every guy that wanted to marry me.
2. Family not envolved in finding me a good person whom they recommended to me and they selected.
3. Fear/Trust issues, I thought every guy will somehow turn out to be some sort of monster after I get married to him.
4. I was too concerned with physical appearance; If I did not find a guy to be attractive, I would not look twice or give him a chance.
5. Other/unknown reasons; in other words, Allahu A’lam
Oh and my age is 25
Salams
I am 32, and I am approaching my 10 year wedding anniversary ahumdillah.
I met my husband 11 years ago. He was muslim I was not. What brought us together was I met him through my job, even though we were in 2 different states.
His family had no intentions of really looking for him at that time. They had it in mind tht he would marry his cousin but he did not want too.
I am heavy and have been since I had my kids. I never thought I would have married anyone after my divorce. I was at a loss.
But my husband met me, he liked the idea that I was self independant, I had my own house, stable job, self sufficient since I was 14 ( i had a part time job in highschool made my own $$$ etc) but still lived at home and went to school.
I met him, moved and got married. I am a convert and his family loves me and I love them. I know several other converts who have gotten married to very good brothers who looked past weight and looks and “class” and education or no education.
So pleased sisters do not dispare, you will get married. There is someone for all of us. Just keep looking, if you look in the most unusual place you may find him.
Sometimes the best thing is right next door and you dont even know it.
Aslamu alaikom, I am 19 years old and my biggest obstacle is that there are not enough religious guys around.. or not enough Palestinian religious guys. My parents only want me to marry either a Palestinian or Jordanian because that is where we are from. I have tried to open my parents eyes on extending their horizons to other Muslim at least other Arabs. Not very successful. I go to places to attain Islamic knowledge at masajid and other seminars to meet more people.
Age:Just turned 28
Biggest Obstacles:
1)Family refusing good suitors when younger because wanting me to finish my education and so forth/In their mind trying to do what’s best for me
2)Not very social(but friendly)/don’t put myself out there/very shy/Quiet/keep myself busy with work/studying my deen or otherwise
3)Family moved overseas and am now living alone/don’t network much
Tried overcoming obstacles by:
1) Talking to family about the situation (and to be more flexible), alhamdulilah it has gotten better now
2)Haven’t changed much in this sense, I like to stay true to my personality and have the right intentions for my actions
3)I can’t really do anything about this fact, except that Alhamdulilah it has brought me even closer to Allah, to know that I will always have Him there, even when away from my family.
Alhamdulilah Allah has given me a wonderful life thus far, and blessed me with a lot, and hence I have a lot to be greatful for, and not to ever complain(InshAllah). There are many others in less fortunate situations, that don’t have the basic things most of us are blessed with.
I have never been one to approach people due to my shy nature (and I don’t think this will change now), so I put my Trust in Allah, make dua, and InshAllah I believe it will happen whenever, wherever, and with whomever Allah wills it to be.
May Allah give us All patience and understanding,Ameen, Wasalamu’alaykum.
age : 25
1.
most of the muslims in my area are Middle Eastern and want to marry there own race ( im african- american )
2.
im a new convert so i dont really have a islamic family history
ive only used just the matrimonial sites
Assalam Alaikum
Age:
Why haven’t I done it: Couldn’t find compatible brothers in terms of education, deen and financial stability.
What I did about it: tried matrimonial sites, tried friends, tried duas and finaly moped and accused Allah of abandoning me. Well, he didn’t. He finaly sent a brother. He is educated, speaks five internatinal languages (english, portugese, arabic, spanish and swahili), is a Hafiz, 34 years old, single, willing to move with me to the states so that I can pursue my masters, paints amazing paintings, is a kung fu master, kind of cute in his own way and really wants to marry me. I am in the process of rejecting him because he is financialy unstable. He just arrived from Egypt and is trying to make enough just to afford renting his own place. I have been panicking because should we move to the US i have no idea how he will cope with the financial preassure. But after reading all these posts and remembering what it used to feel like when I could not find anyone, I have realized that I have been stupid and blind. This is a good brother. He scores 8/10. I have no reason to say no. I should marry him even if only for the sake of Allah.
May our Lord give us the best, my wonderfull sister. Much love and appreciation for you all.
Assiya
oh and i am 25
Bismillah
As’salamu Alaikum wa Rahmtullah,
I want to say thank you to all of you who have taken the time to reply on this post. If you haven’t done so already, I posted a link to a survey right above the video, (its super duper short!) so check it out.
Looking forward to hearing from more sisters bithnillah.
Asaalamu Alaikum,
I am 24 turning 25 very soon. Some of the obstacles I have had is that i was engaged for about a year and almost EVERYBODY knew I was engaged to get married. So the engagement did not work out, we broke up and it took forever for people to realize I am no longer engaged. When I was engaged my dad was kind of materialistic and there were a lot of culture/religion clashes with my ex-fiancee which worries me for the future cuz it may happen again when someone else proposes. My dad isnt that religious, Rabena yehdee inshallah. Strong deen is a priority for me. Before I was engaged my parents also wanted me to wait till i finished college. Nonetheless, no one ever really proposes unless my dad doesn’t tell me. Plus I look a lot younger than my age I am 24 but people always think im 18.
also ironically my dad owns an arabic grocery store which I work at so many muslim people see me and I see them, but no one has really proposed and plus our social circle is small. and my parents keep to themselves pretty much, my mom is like it will come eventually which i know Allah has someone for me but I can’t just sit back and wait for things to happen. I should do my part and Allah (swt) will do the rest.
i have been looking online for a very long time that is how I met my ex-fiancee, but after that I have not met any one really serious yet.
May Allah bless each and every one of us with good righteous spouses!! Ameen ya rab!
assalamoalaikum wr wb,
jazakAllahukahirun for having this survey and i must say subahanAllah!! soo many siisters have participated,it makes one realize that there are other sisters who are going through the same trial and mashaAllah with such strong emaan.
my age:30
Biggest obstacle:well for one its not that i take it as an obstacle. nevertheless on one side of the picture its qadar Allah.Alhamdulilah for that.
the other more practicle side, that is the human contribution is limited social interaction.i have literally just had one proposal in my life so far…that also through putting up an ad…not that there werent any other proposals by way of the advertisement, but there was only one respectable in all those that were proposing.hope you understand how giving an advertisement in the paper attracts all and sundry.
the one proposal that was there had major religious issues.anyway more or less it is a lack of proper social interaction of my family.not that i am blaming them.alhamdulilah they are the best parents in the whole world and may Allah forgive them and us for all our shortcomings.
one more obstacle,as suggested by some of my family members and friends,although i dont personally think of it as an obstacle,is my general reserved attitude when dealing with the opposie sex….wether in university or now in office or elsewhere.reason being my duty to Allah is far greater then my desire to please any non-mahram man for the sake of getting marriage proposals.a good cannot be approached through a means that is not a part of my deen.alhamdulilah.
what i have done to overcome the obstacle:currently patience and prayer.well for one i am a very very shy person as regards to getting married,and assume Allah will send someone inshaAllah sooner or later.i do realize the fact that i also have to do my part but honestly i cant seem to understand what it is i am supposed to do.asking my parents point blank or even dscussing the matter openly makes me very embarrassed.dont have much friends either or even the ones i have i cant seem to go and ask them or tell them that am looking for a religiously committed partner.did try attending religious circles not for that purpose of course.seriuosly i seem to be at a loss.my parents are trying through whatever respectable means they can.
well thats about as short as i can get.
jazakAllahkhair for the effort
wassalam
Salams
Sis Lala you should seek out therapy to help you overcome what has happened in your past, also you need to tell a family member who you trust. This will help you heal and be able to forward to inshallah a beautiful life. Also what happened to you is NOT your fault in anyway shape or form, so do not let anyone tell you otherwise.
My husband is from Pakistan and he is mashallah multi-lingual (9 total).
I am just a simple farm girl, with no college education. I am short and over weight but he saw past that, he also accepcted my daughter from my first marriage.
Now that I look back, Allah brought us together, so how. I had no intention of remarrying. I converted 1 month before we married.
It all has not been happy, lots of ups and downs, arguments, close to divorce so many times but we pulled through it all.
Sadly many men see movies, magazines, and anything else that give them the impression that all women need to be a size 0 not healthy and beautiful like the rest of you here on this board.
I will pray for each of you to find a wonderful husband one who is worthy of you love.
Assalam u Alaikum wrw,
Jazakallahkhair Sister Megan for doing this..Allah swt reward you!! I really feel as if I am not alone in this.
I wanted to suggest a few ‘Emotionally moving obstacles’ for the poll you have made, if you find the following useful.
I failed to mention how suitors in the past have prioritized the following things:
1. Should be of a certain height (So, I have the height just not the looks apparently)
2. Should be movie star beautiful or picture perfect
3. Not fair enough in color (My brownness in complexion is usually a disappointment) I think I’m in denial about this one and cannot accept that people would actually judge me based on the color of my skin.
4. I have a flat nose (I’ve been told that isnt considered pretty .. ?? :O)
5. I dont look like the people of my cultural background (look different thus am unacceptable)
But Subhanallah Allah swt guide us all, if these are the criteria that matter to the suitors then its rather good that they haven’t pursued things further right? I mean there is supposed to be attraction but having standards that are too high can also be an issue.
Jazakallah khair again to you again sis,
Wassalam u Alaikum wrw
I am a 25 year old muslim African-American revert ( I have been muslim three years as of this Eid al-hamudullilah. One of the biggest obstacles I face is that I don’t have a muslim family in order for brothers to initiate interest. I came the masjid alone and it shows, the requests that I get come from brothers themselves and I feel that the manner in which they approach me is inaapropriate and often times rude. I have been stalked by a brother, and another brother even placed his body between my myself (I was sitting in the driver seat) and my open car door one time.
The second BIGGEST obstacles is my own personal bias towards other reverts. Astagfirrulah but I’m not too interested in brothers who have just reverted to islam as I have, sometimes not even as long. I could be incorrect but I feel that as a husband (the leader of the family) he should know islam well. Other wise, with my small knowledge and his small knowledge its similar (in my mind at least) to the blind leading the blind.
That being said, the third biggest obstacle to my getting married is that those born muslims, are often less interested in a convert for marriage and more so as a miracle that an American woman freely choose to be muslim. I get many “MashAllah’s” but that’s where it ends. =o) The born muslims that I have known and are close to are often more interested in marriage from someone of their own RACE, COUNTRY and TRIBE! Very particular……I know. :o) AS such I don’t not Qualify This is also not VERY islamic might i add. Sad, but true this is that state of islam today.
Finally, and I hope I haven’t bored you to much!
But I am currently working on my third semester at a University. If I could find a brother who would be patient with me and not take issue with waiting until May to be married I would not have a problem with getting to know someone and being engaged.
The one other person in my family who happens to be muslim tells me that I’m at a “CrItIcAl!! AGE” . I’m starting to think that this may very well be the case considering so many of my sisters on this blog cited age as a main obstacle! oops… InshAllah, may we all make dua think positive and be blessed with pious loving husbands. Ameen!
Asalmu Alaykum
I forgot to mention, that I have tried through nikah.com (muslim matrimonial site) and through people I know. But unfortunately it hasn’t helped.
1. matrimonial sites are only concerned about looks, ethnicity and income
2. People never know u as well as your family. ANd since my family is not muslim that places me at a major disadvantage.
INshAllah Allah will be my guide.
1. What is the biggest obstacle that has prevented you from
getting married until now?
Started practising ~ 3/4 years ago. My family live in another country and family members that live locally are either christians or non- practising muslims, so opportunities of being introduced to a muslim suitor in a halal manner is non-existent. Also had to learn about marriage in Islam.
2. What have you tried so far to overcome that obstacle?
I went in search of the muslims.
I work long hours and move around a lot so I didn’t have a “local” masjid, but this past year I decided on two “local” masjids - one near work and one near wherever I am staying!
I attend islamic courses where I have made friends with sisters. I have spoken to other sisters, read articles about halal ways to meet potential suitors.
Listened to lectures on marriage in islam , read books, registered with PRACTIMATE.
Will Insha Allah be registering with Islamic matching websites, organisations, imams in the new year. Although would like to complete PRACTIMATE training before getting married!
I am 27.
According to my parents, biggest obstacle for me is being overweight. They have not sought possible boys for me through their network, because they feel ashamed of my weight and “would not have an answer” as to why I am “this way.” So because they have not sought someone for me, they have not found anyone for me!
I have come across 2 good, solid possibilities through my friends/network (not while actively “looking”), but they did not work out because my family is moderately religious while their families were more so. The 2 boys themselves were on the same “level” of practice as I was &/or intended to be.
Therefore, according to ME, the biggest obstacle for me is finding the right someone who suits my level of practice, faith, and moderation while still accepting (not just “tolerating”) my family’s range of beliefs. AND is attracted to curvier girls.
1. 29
2. Finding social gatherings to see potential muslim men in a natural environment to see how they interact with others, how they interact with you, and how they generally carry themselves. I fully agree with gender seperations, but that really limits what you can see of a brother’s character and personality.
Internet match ups are partially good, but once a man (or woman) knows they are being considered their behavior changes, so meeting up in person after the initial match does not reveal the true person until much later, because everone is on their best behavior.
2. Finding a man who is balanced with both a strong muslim identity and worldy street smarts.
2. Being divorced.
3. Answering this survey
going to singles events (but I haven’t gone to any yet)
am 26,
my biggest obstacle would be fear of disappointment and disagreements. this comes from knowing how the divorce rate in my community is high and the ones who are not divorced are miserable. i know that disagreements is not an obstacle but when pple treat each other badly like your opinion is worthless it makes me wonder if children are the only thing pple look forward to in a marriage.
To overcome this i have simply opted to look at other things in my life that are rewarding like working and studying.
Jazakallah.
I am 25
AGE, EXAMS, JOB, FOLKS, and ACCOMODATION (ALL SORTED NOW ALHAMDULILAH) but NOW THE WEATHER- nobody want to attend a wedding in the cold it seems. Needless to say, spouse to be was met and introduced a while back.
EXERCISED LOTS OF SABR- FOCUSED ON TICKING OFF A FEW BOXES, MADE DUA AND NOW HOPING SUMMER COMES QUICK TIME. inshallah
1. Your age.
29
2. What is the biggest obstacle that has prevented you from getting married until now?
Where should i start from!
1a) My AGE - Muslim men seem to think that a woman post 21 has nothing to offer in a marriage! So us ‘oldies’ who didn’t wait to complete our careers or whatever but got stuck behind because we couldn’t find the right man or due to life’s struggles just found oursleves racing agaisnt time and kind of left on the shelf!
1b) SKIN COLOUR- There are some racists out there who will not consider a wife a shade lighter than almonds! lol. So being a light-skinned, tanned but not dark skinned lady, i simply get rejected by those who want the ‘tall,fair’ wife. I must add we’re also not good for those whose mothers want the ideal fair skinned daughter-inlaw/ bride for their sons.
1c) PHYSIQUE- There are some Muslim men who are no different to their non-Muslim counterparts and are obssessed with the s**y, babe image, so those of us who don’t have that physique aren’t quite up to it. Adding from the fair skinned comment, there’s the slim but healthy looking wife that is so desired.
1d) PROFESSIONALISM- If you have a degree but don’t work or aren’t career minded then for some brothers you won’t make a good wife. Even though you may be intelligent,smart and happy to work at home and don’t enjoy the rat race or the demands of working outside the home, you’re considered to be boring and un-adventurous!
1e) NOT AN ALIMAH/LADY AYESHA- So far all my obstacles have been dunya/materialistic but there’s a minority of men who are pious and willing to overlook the beauty,skin clolur thing but focus too heavily on marrying an angel. God forbid if you make a mistake or don’t wear abayah/niqaab, pr accept polygyny, or aren’t as dutiful as any of the sahabiyaat than your doomed for hell! This minorty can be just as frightening.
1f) TRIBALISM- Sadly there aren’t good quality men left in todays times. So looking outside your culture is an option although it presents its own issues. However, trying to get your parents to think out of the box and breaking their tribal mentality has got to be the hardest task really.
1g) MUMMYS BOYS!- Wants his wife to live at home, allows intefering parents and elders to control his marriage and wife. Only listens and obeys mummy even if she is an evil woman.( THE WORST OF THEM ALL IS THIS TYPE) lol
1h) HARSH/STRICT MEN!- The balanced man is hard to find! One who has understood Islam properly, who has the right balance, doesn’t enforce niqab and polygyny on his wife, isn’t demanding, hasn’t misunderstood the obedience issue, is happy go lucky and playful. Enjoys halal and forbids haraam. Lives according to the Sunnah and isn’t into culture or biddah!
3. What have you tried so far to overcome that obstacle?
Lots of du’a to Allah SWT to bless me with the coolness of my eyes, a righteous husband who is a blessing for me and i for him inshallah. I have challenged many neagtives out there, i have spoken to my folks greatly about the issue of triblaism and i have searched many times for my soulmate, am beginning to give up hope but believe too strongly in Qadr and have sabr in me yet! Mashallah. Any other suggestions, please let me know, there’s very little i can do to address the rest, i’m not prepared to bleach my skin colour, to invest in plastic surgery to grow the perfect body/image! Alhamdulillah, i like the way Allah swt has created me!
That’s correct!!!I m 27 and I’m still unmarried..It’s very scary..Im educated. I have just graduated as an EFL teacher.My parents and family are dead worried. My obstacles are a variety of reasons. For example, I move around a lot. My father’s job is abroad and I dont agree to stay in uk on my own because we are practicing moderate muslims. I did get many proposals of the same background as myself with no compatibility..Physical or education wise.
Answer to question 2: I registered myself onto a matrmonial website. Many people approached me for visa purposes but some with no compatiblity. My family also tried appoaching families friends but there is no luck so far.
Assalamualaikum wrb, good work sister!
I am 24, will turn 25 in a couple of months inshaAllah!
1. What is the biggest obstacle that has prevented you from
getting married until now?
Although there are a no. of reasons, I think the biggest obstacle for me is, wanting to move to America for further education from a developing country. I just finished med school, and want to get into residency (PG) in the US. But lo, most muslim americans are very particular about marrying someone “born and brought up” in the US “only” lolz…of course, its understandable why they think this way, but its also very stereotypical and narrow-minded, especially in an age of globalization. People are obsessed that they will be exploited because of their “visa status”.
Why cant I marry someone from my own country and then move? Well, why would someone want to move with me when they’re already well settled here? Most brothers at my stage, applying for PG in America from my country, are too unsettled to think of marriage, so that option doesnt exist. Its like brothers from my country are not ready for marriage yet, and the brothers in America are not willing to consider people from “outside”.
I think my situation must be pretty unique on this forum. Most young muslim ladies from my country dont even bother to dream about going abroad for higher studies, and I realized why, only after so many years. Its so difficult to match building your career with the search of a life partner. And its not like I can halt one for the other, ‘coz delaying applying for residency would amount to professional suicide and delaying marriage would be losing out on a WHOLE lot of things in life!
2. What have you tried so far to overcome that obstacle?
Duas, internet websites, advertisements, friends and family.
Salams
I forgot to mention that I am 32 (ugh! turning 30+ is not fun)
Asalaam Alaikum.
1. 28
2. InshAllah there exist good practicing brothers out there. However there lacks a means or introduction to such people.
Assalamoalaikum,
Although it doesnt apply to me since i got married really young, and at 25 have three children, oldest being 7, I still think feel very sensitive to this subject as my other sisters are not married yet.. them being nearly in this category..
I think there are few factors which delays marriage..
Women themselves are not thinking of marriage, they think that if they get married, they wouldnt be able to persue education or career, and in the course, focus so much on that that they do not socialise or meet with other people, or go to gatherings and events where parents and not just young men could see them.
Most of the young women, try and meet young men, whereas even in todays world, parents opinions matter a lot, so its best to charm the parents.
I think that women must be very nice, talktaive and show their good personality by speaking to people who have marriage age sons or brothers, if that’s possible. Try and go to as much social events as possible and be flexible and positive. We can do anything after we get married,our lives don’t stop after marriage. If we marry when things go through the parents, it is more likely it will be a better match as a person who marries on suggestions from his parents will not have the ” I dont care about anyone but myself” attitude…
I think my sisters had the problems of not going to women only parties, weddings, gatherings, meetings. If they did like someone and they liked them in return there were social barriers, someone’s parents or the rest of the family not approving because of any difference. Finally, when one of them did get married,she had to come out of her routine and really meet people, and I being the eldest, got married so young because of being ever present in the family, among friends etc…
Having said that, some people, find it still hard. I do hope, Allah makes it easier for everyone and May ALlah have mercy on all of us, and may Allah give good husbands to all my sisters and my sisters in Islam, ameen.
Please do not despair, I know many many women even marrying in their forties, and then having a good life, May Allah bless us all, ameen.
As-salamu3laykum Wara7matullah,
This is more of a question rather than a response. Can there be a similar questionnaire for brothers so we can gage what they think delays their marriage and what they are looking for. Then both sides can consider or reconsider options. Sometimes there are lots of misconceptions floating around in regards to what the other side is looking for in a spouse.
JAK
2. What is the biggest obstacle that has prevented you from getting married until now?
the men who have proposed to me have not been up to par with my religious requirements for the most part, and my requirements are not even that high…just prayer 5 times a day, leading a life which is suitable for a muslims in this day in age (one guy had pictures of himself in a bar with friends, not drinking or anything, but i don’t find it acceptable to even enter a place like that! yet his father claimed he was “religious”) and a thirst for ilm so we can learn together and increase our iman together inshAllah
when i first began receiving proposals i think i was embarrassed from my mom and also scared of what my getting married would mean for her…she is a widow and my only sister is married and lives far away and i don’t think she would ever consider taking her to live with her! and i cannot guaruntee my husband would agree to have her live with us (that would be one special mannn!) and it super hard going through the marriage process without a man involved i have tried to find a wali but that is no easy task though alot of my mother’s friend’s husbands have offered to help without overstepping any boundaries
there is also a shortage of truly religious men in my area
additionally, i was sexually abused by my sister at a ridiculously young age, i am scared of the effect this will have on me when i get married…and this has also decreased my confidence immensely which makes me stay home and not want to attend events as much where i could get noticed…i only attend almaghrib courses to learn…but there is no one looking there.
3. What have you tried so far to overcome that obstacle?
duaa!!! copious amounts of duaa
trying to increase my knowledge so i can expect the same from anyone who comes to ask for me by taking courses and learning online and increasing my own iman…. al tayiboon lil tayiboon right? i am trying to fill the requirements i expect
trying to work through the obstacles in my mind, psychological like self image etc.
may Allah send all our sisters here a husband who is muhsin with great akhlaaq
Just a word of advice to the sisters that want some one that was born and/or raised in the West, North America, Canada, USA, etc. I was the same way, and qadrAllah I was very disappointed by every guy I met. I was VERY adamant about marrying someone from here, because I was born and raised here as well. But then I met my husband, who happens to be born and raised in Paki, and I KNOW that I couldn’t have found anyone better. You realize that if the person has Taqwah and Iman, you will, inshaAllah, “click”. My husband is highly educated, speaks proficient English (better than me at times, isn’t overbearing or whatever other misconceptions we have about men from our countries of origin. This is not to badmouth the brothers that are from here, I know many brothers that were born and/or raised here that very good, but this is just for the sisters to let them know that if you aren’t able to find someone from here, than looking at someone that wasn’t born here is a complete option. alhamdulillah.
I’m 21 and i have been wanting to get married since i was 17. So 4 years have gone by and I’ve only gotten one proposal. i think my biggest obstacle is the fact that my parents don’t know many people and that where I live the brothers are already married looking for wife no.2 or 3. or that the brothers are not the religious.
Also I’m overweight which turns a lot of men off.
1. Your age.
23
2. What is the biggest obstacle that has prevented you from getting married until now?
Trying to find a suitable job after graduating from University. Also parents saying I need to work on myself such as my weight. Furthermore, I want a husband who strikes the happy medium but I don’t know how to go about looking for a husband myself. I do not agree with my parents’ choices. Another major obstacle is living in the west in the 21st century.
3. What have you tried so far to overcome that obstacle?
Signed up on practimate.com for advice etc.
AWW I’ve been reading alot of the comments here, and I have to say sister Zara, girl you’ve got it totally spot on with the many obstacles many of us sisters face/have seen or heard.
Big hug to you sister. And Big love to all my sisters around the world.
Inshallah we will get our princes and hopefully we can look back and think ” hey what was I so scared about” . Because really alot these obstacles are to do with our personal fears.
Never lose hope everyone. Lets pray harder.Make lots of dua. And have lots of patience. Inshallah we will all find that very special ”one”.
Assalamualaikum. xxx
Age: 24 (almost 25)
Obstacle: finding a brother who is between those ages and is a good practicing Muslim. Most of the “good ones” where I live are a lot younger/still in school, and that does not flow with my family. And the ones who aren’t too young and have established jobs, aren’t so practicing.
what am i doing to overcome it? i don’t know how that can be overcome…so i guess i’m still working on it.
1. Age: 27
2. biggest obstacle: sisters in the community need to stop judging me!
i have been married once before islam to a muslim man who was not practicing. after taking shahada, i left the marriage. when i was ready to get married again (at age 24), many women of different ages looked down on me as if i were no good. even some practicing sisters my age think since i have been married, i should know more about men than others who havent - not true! i dont have brothers, my parents arent around, i still dont really know the games men play, little girls w/o daddies dont have anyone to shield them from evil men. sigh*
3. What have you tried so far to overcome that obstacle?
Being my true self, being the best person i wanna be, tuning out all the weird looks from WOMEN in the community, remembering Allah is the most merciful, most just, putting my trust in Allah alone, and when the time is right, Allah will let me meet the right person for me.
As-Salaamu Alaykum sisters,
I am 26 soon to be going on 27.
My biggest obstacle in getting married would have to be my personal growth in Islam and life experience that have shaped me today. I commonly chose brothers who were stagnate in their Islam, which created differences even though I openly admitted to be a work in progress. I had just hoped they were motivated to change like I was.
Through this growth it has enabled me to choose more carefully in which brothers to get to know for marriage. However, a more recent obstacle is meeting brothers who were not mature enough for the type of commitment needed for a marriage. I suppose we’re all still growing, insha’Allah.
I have tried meeting brothers on my own through school, websites, and matrimonials. I hope this helps!
25
My Parents. They think i am not of the age of marriage yet, and i need to get my masters before i can think about marriage.
So i am trying to get into graduate school without getting into interest of student loans.
Salaam sisters,
I am 24 years old and will turn 25 years in few months.
The problem with me is very similar to most of the other sister’s problems in some or other way so I would like an answer to all the problems the sisters had written.
To be particular,I had problem of not being sure to marry and be committed and often wonder if I can be happy committing for such a log period.To be frank,My childhood has been kid of erotic due to my mom’s death and dad’s remarriage and didnt have good relatives too so upset and scared about my future and my kids too .I get scared of hearing soo many stories of so many ppl’s divorces and home violence which is persistant even in Muslim household so this makes my step backwards.I have been kind of person who likes to do what I like so scared about any ill-effects of marriage.
Apart from this,I am unable to find the right person.I personally dont feel anything whenever proposal come through my parents or my family.I dont like this way of interaction and introduction done between families and girl and boy.I feel like a piece of showcase beauty for which ppl and guy comes over to meet.Moroever,The proposals which my family brought ends up either rejected by my family or me or if both have selected then the guy’s family have problem so it doesnt even come upto meeting people.
Apart from this,I have always dreamt of a picture in my mind so alwayz wanted my husband’s to have all those qualities but unfortunately couldnt find it all or atleast most.I personally think the proposals kept infront of me by my family as more of pressure and I feel like revolting against their decision putting my priorities and wishes upfront.I dislike being forced to marry by exaggerting words from my family inspite of my dislike.
Apart from this,I am scared of mother-in laws and father-in-laws and their usual treatment to their daughter-in-laws.and all the marriages in my household seem to be kind of sad and disturbed to some extent either due to in-laws or not getting husband of good nature and family man which scared me to tons.I think I am very insecure due to all these and overthink on it and get confused and unable to decide.I am also one kind of person who has been doing what I wanted since childhood and so feel my freedom would be curbed if married though I want to get married in Halal ways to a good Muslim InshaAllah.I also wonder why guys have more power in household than women and the thought of being less in power takes my step back.
Apart from this,when I think to marry giving a second thought.,the guys side have problem,eitehr they want a non-professional girl,too young girl(less than 22) or US Citizen(I came to do my graduate studies in US),fair ,etc etc…Their mothers have soo many demands.
We tried to contact the local boys from my town but they wanted US Citizen girl even if she is a uneducated and when we contacted the guys from US,they wanted local US girls,so in both ways we,foreign students in US are losers.They even say there are many girls as compared to few boys so boys have more options.
Everywhere ,this is case whether marriage bureaus,idaras or shaadi.com(most are time passers not serious for marriage)so dont know how and where to look for good muslim guy.
What I have done to overcome this obstacle?
Lots and lot’s of duas,isteqara’s,namaz,fast,search in idaras(ppl),bureas,online site like isnamatrimonials,shaadi.com.I am even wondering if there is any way on facebook which is most sought after these days!I am a kind of person who is very shy even at this age to interact with guys and alwayz interacted with guys for school and work and nothing else so dont know how to do this and how to meet them/talk if that could help me.
Asalam Alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,
1. There has never been any obstacles; I think that it just didn’t happen and I really do not know what to do. My family do not socialise a lot and do not know anyone to introduce me to; and also, people nowadays are more preoccupied by their own lives and not really interested into helping…
2. I have tried a matrimonial website which I don’t quite like and making Duha.
Assalamu Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,
If I knew what my obstacle was, I’d be steadily working to fix it. I’m 28, African American, and have been Muslim for 10 years now.
I have a wali, and even my Christian mother has been looking into the situation. I’ve signed up on the websites only to be disappointed at every turn.
*shrug* when it happens, I’ll be very thankful. Until then, I’ll be very thankful.
I’m a 30 year old female, I think it’s a few things with me, I’m not very attractive
and little overweight. I also think because I have quite a strong character people feel scared to approach me. Strong character in the sense that I’m the eldest in my family and people always see me organising everything and think I’m trouble. My parents also try to match me to guys who are foreign students or from abroad, as the apparently have ‘good manners’. Finally for the past 8 to 10 years had someone telling me they would marry me and so I waited and they changed their minds without informing me.
Assalamu alaikum,
I am 25 years old. I think the greatest obstacle to getting married for me is not having enough opportunites to meet brothers. It’s difficult for both brothers and sisters to know who is looking. So most people who get married do it through friends, but most of my friends are in the same situation as me and don’t know people themselves, or don’t know the right type of people. I don’t feel very comfortabel going to the singles gatherings yet, I feel like I’m putting myself on display. Maybe I’ll try it if everything else fails.
I also think that there are a lot of good brothers out there who are not superficial, who do have the deen but I think that they also do not have opportunities to find like-minded sisters.
The only thing I have done so far is let friends know that I am looking and of course make dua.
I pray that Allah gives all the sisters and borthers the spouses they need and make it easy for everyone.
I would also like to add that I have noticed that physical beauty does not have a lot to do with it. I know a lot of girls who are not considered physically attractive and they got married young to amazing brothers and I know sisters who are attractive and are still not married. Perhaps some guys use that excuse but I don’t think it’s the number one obstacle.
age: 26
1. Biggest Obstacle To Getting Married:
-i am a muslim convert and don’t know many muslim guys my age; i do not have a family social network that can help me
-almost all the muslim guys i know are between the ages of 18-23 and is too young for me
-constant segregation between the muslim males and females at my university; how can we meet when we are not allowed to talk even when in a room full of other muslims?!
-i wear hijab and some people have told me that i should not wear it if i want to be attractive to a man, but i want to be with a guy who likes and respects hijab and my decision to wear it
-my muslim guy friends my age or a little older are already married or engaged
-fear that meeting someone online would only attract someone wanting a visa or green card
2. What I Have Tried:
-talking with friends
-talking with an older muslim who knows me very well and can look out for a possible match
-looked into halal internet sites but didn’t feel it was the safest way to meet someone–plus i was afraid that someone i know would see me and i would be terribly embarrassed
Asalaamu alaikum
Age:
27
Biggest obstacle preventing me from getting married:
Lack of proposals. The Muslim community where I live is very small, so there is not much option in terms of finding a nice, religious and well established brother. Also, I’m a shy person, not interested in interacting with males, and am not that interested in finding someone online (since the credibility of that person is not comparable to when a brother is recommended by people you know). This puts a lot of the onus on my family to find someone for me. They’ve made good efforts, but there haven’t been that many opportunities to go for (or if there was, things didn’t go far).
What’ve you tried so far to overcome that obstacle:
My family has contacted friends in other cities that have bigger Muslim communities and asked them to keep an eye out. Also, making a lot of dua has helped. I’m optimistic that everything will work out insha’Allah.
The biggest obstacle would be lack of serious proposals. In my culture they judge by the picture rather than having a meeting where the guy and girl and families can meet. The other obstacle is my mom and I have a very hard time discussing this issue because I want to get married in a complete halal way and my mom is more into culture.
I’ve tried talking to my mom about the qualities I want in a husband and also about not wanting to send pictures and having a dinner with both families therefore there is less waiting time in between and both parties can come to making a decision. But my mom doesn’t respond to my questions and makes it seem that I’m the one to blame for lack of proposals.
May Allah swt make it easier for all of us single men and women.
Assalam Alaykum
1. 21
2. My mother. I have met an awesome guy and get along great with his family. They love me too. But unfortunately my mother won’t even consider it b/c of cultural issues.
3. Duaa…seeing if there are any options I have if my mother insists on saying no….although its islamically wrong why she is saying no.
AGE: 27
MY BIGGEST OBSTACLE IS “ME”. THE PROBLEM IS I’M AFRAID OF MARRIAGE. I HAVE’T DONE ANYTHING TO OVERCOME IT.
age: 26
My biggest obstacles?
1. My father. Who wants me to marry within the culture, within the tribe and has some very specific criteria on what kind of man he must be and where he must live.
2. Not knowing any brothers from my ethnicity who are practicing and fit my fathers criteria (or want to deal with him) and are willing to marry a 26 year old.Between being home, taking courses(online) and helping my family, I do not get to meet or dont know where to find brothers.All my friends know I’m looking but seems none can find someone for me.
What have I done to overcome these obstacles?
1. I’ve had lengthy discussions with my father, tried to come to a negotiation, contacted imams….but he threatened to cut off communication with me if I married someone whom he was not pleased with.
2. I’ve notified all my married friends that I’m looking but with all my fathers limitations it never seems to go anywhere
so now I wait…just like the last 5 years…
age: 29
Obstacle: Lack of proposals due to age factor; I have been that I come accross as too ‘independent’ because I have a great job, maintain leadership positions and own a car!
Attempts at overcoming obstacles: There was a point when I tried to downplay the fact that i ’seemed’ independent but that backfired as well. So I will like to just stay who and how I am and not really care how others may percieve me. I will and have continued to make constant dua, if Allah swt wills, I shall get married. In the meantime, I’m not going to sob over it.
Assalamu alaikum
27
Biggest obstacle:
Lack of proposals. I was brought up thinking that my family would find someone for me. Up to the age of 26 they had never introduced me to a brother. I decided to look for myself however I hardly have confidence talking to men, I find it harder still, discussing marriage.
The practicing brothers I did introduce to my parents we either, too short, not good looking enough or not from my country. May Allah have mercy on us all, each negative is a springboard closer to the person Allah has arranged for me and in the words of the best women “inna lil`lahi wa inna ilaihi rajioon..Allahumma ajirni fi museebati wakhluf li khairam`minha”
Patients/ reliance was a quality of the sahaba of rasul (sws) and WE gotta represent
Biggest obstacle for me is dat most brothers dont see my face because am a niiqabi and am over weight so that makes them think dat i am a old lady
1. Your age: 29
2. What is the biggest obstacle that has prevented you from getting married until now? Long-term serial monogamous relationships that did not lead to marriage: one 7-year relationship, one 7-month relationship, a 4.5-year relationship, and a current 6-month relationship. It might have been wasted time, but I learned valuable lessons that will hopefully help me get it right next time.
3. What have you tried so far to overcome that obstacle? Trying not to invest time and emotion into relationships that are not headed in that direction. I now set a time limit on the relationship and reevaluate at that time whether this will continue or not, whether the relationship is on some sort of track in the direction of marriage. And not just by hearing words but by looking at the actions as well. I will no longer look at a relationship as a potential marriage if certain nonnegotiable goals/issues aren’t worked out that are necessary to marriage. If my other half spends money on whatever he wants without setting aside money for a future for us in preparation, that’s a big flag. I take a good look at his priorities and how they match up with mine at this point in time and regarding this important issue. I think much more analytically regarding all facets of marriage and what is necessary to get there. Not so romantic, but hopefully smarter than the “foolish, blind, and deaf love” of romances past that did not end up in marriage after many years.
Asalam waliykum warahmatu allahu wabarakatu
I am 22 and Moroccan
Biggest obsstacle for me is the new culture my parents have adopted, in terms of education comes first then marriage after you graduate and get a good job. Whereas my old culture (Moroccan) is keen on women/girls getting married in thier late teens.
I can understand where my parents are coming from, but it is possible to find a spouce and go to university at the same time. But they see it as a distraction.
I think also Hijab is an obstacle, alhamdulillah now its getting better more and more brothers want to marry women who already wear hijab. but not too long ago the brothers wanted to see what they were getting, and then after marriage they want thier wives to cover. So for me being the only hijabed girl my age in my community meant that the brothers actually prefered the sisters who were unvieled, but alhamdulillah i realised this filtered all the half hearted muslims and i was saved alot of hassle. The only women who wear hijab in my community are those who have gone to hajj which are the eldery.
Another is my families social circle does not encompass people who are very religious or those who follow the deen well. Our community are those who do islam out of culture/tradition, so the brothers my age are not practicing and are the type to live the lifestyle of kuffar. and my parents know that is not me at all. So the Lack of religious brothers in my community. I do not think that is something that can be fixed over night.
But alahmdulillah my parents are open to bothers from other ethnic backgrounds
Jazakallah khier
Wasalam
Sorry i forgot to add also question 3.
What i have doen to overcome it, i have spoken to freinds and those who know my mother and they have come to her with suggestions of good brothers from other communities that i may like. And alhamdulillah it has worked, my parents are very open to this idea and have started to investiage families and look at certain brothers
And alhamdulillah the families i have been introduced to are religious and love sisters who wear hijab. SO i think to overcome my second obstacle i needed to change my social circle and try and mix with those who are like minded. And alhamdulillah its working.
Alhamdulillah i have had some interest and have had 2 proposals
Inshallah khier.
And allah knows best.
My biggest obstacle in regards of getting married is finding a person who is Muslim and not extreme Or finding a Muslim who practices Islam and yet opened minded and who doesn’t carry hate for other religions or beliefs. I also live in Iowa and not many Muslim men to find here. It is hard to find a liberal, westernized minded Muslim man. But I know one day Insha Allah I will find him.
I was engaged and and seeing a guy for the past 5 years but in the end it didn’t work out, he came back from Iran from visiting his parents and decided that he didn’t want to get married anymore. He wanted more of a subservient kind of wife, so he never had to clean or cook, which he didn’t but the idea upset him, he didn’t believe in equality, even though I enjoy cooking and cleaning but I wanted to be shown appreciation and not have it mandated on me that it is my job. He was Muslim but not practicing always, his belief was simple and I appreciated that but I wanted a Man who prays and fasts.
To overcome this, I have just prayed to Allah to help bring the right man in my life and protect my heart. I don’t want to go chase after a man, I want to trust in Allah that He will bring it into my life because he knows it is my wish to find a great man, that love me.
As-Salaamu ‘Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
1.) I am 26 years old (well will be in 2 months InshaAllah)
2.) Alhamdulillah my biggest obstacle is MYSELF. I’m patiently waiting for my father to get a clue and arrange something for me or introduce me to someone, as I feel that it is HIS duty to do so. I’m too shy to approach him about the subject, and even more shy to actually entertain any proposals. But I need to get over it and say, “Hey Abu dont you know you have unwed daughter’s at home? What’s wrong with you?” LOL.
3.) I’ve tried making du’a and having my friend’s “lookout” for some suitable brother that can approach my father. So far they haven’t come across any “suitable” brothers. Wa Allahu Alim.
BUT Bottom line, It is up to what Allah decrees. Qadaru Allahu wa maa sha fa’ala.
I pray that Allah blesses us all with righteous and compatible spouses that will the coolness of our eyes, and may He make us patient with his decree. Ameen.
1. Your age.
I just turned 29 years old.
2. What is the biggest obstacle that has prevented you from getting married until now?
That is a difficult question. To be quite honest, I really don’t know the biggest obstacle. However, I do know that my father has not had the best reputation and that has been a hindrance in a few marriage proposals. But then again, I have 5 other sisters who have gotten married in spite of that.
When I seriously think back about it, and I have personally asked Sheikh Yaser Birjas about this, the best explanation is we really don’t know why it is taking so long, but to never lose hope
3. What have you tried so far to overcome that obstacle?
I have also tried to change my general attitude (being more positive and hopeful).
I have a lot of extended family and friends living all over the United States. They have been keeping their eyes open for me, and one of them has even registered me on this matrimonial website and filters out the proposals. I am trying Practimate
Age:30
The biggest obstacle for me to get married was race. In my community, black/African American muslimahs are viewed as unworthy compared to Arab, caucasian and fair Hispanic, then dark Hispanic women –in that order. As a result, black muslim women watch their non-black friends marry and have families but have no options for the same. The worst part is that when we are approached it is by those brothers that no one else wants, or who needs a green card. Once yhese menn has gotten their green cards or citizenships, they divorce us and marry someone from the above mentioned group.
Thw sad thing is that I tried to overlook this reality and what was said to me by numerous friends, and I hoped this person would be honest, and so I got married. Within 6 months we were divorced because his father told him not to take care of me or any children we had; I tried to speak with 3 imams all of Arab origin to no avail; I dragged my ex-husband to marriage counselling–the counselor (also Arab) who knew me for over 6 years and my husband for 1 month, agreed that I was correct in asking my ex to support me and our unborn child. Since he still refused to take care of us, I made the choice to support me and the baby because I could no longer support me and my husband and a baby. The marriage counselor no longer speaks to me because I divorced my ex-husband. So now, I am 30, divorced, and a single mom. My ex-husband is working but does not take care of my daughter. He attempted to send her a miniscual amount that would not take care of diapers let alone food or clothing even though he makes a lot of money. I had no family to help me since I am a revert.
Race is a huge reason why women are unmarried in Islam.. Look at that point when you are conducting your study. There are at least 4 other women that I personally know that have been victims of race. Race, it cannot be overcome.
One of the biggest obstacles is the demand of dowry from the groom’s family. Out of formality many times it is said it is not necessary but if you want to give you can. This indirectly gets message across that the groom’s family is expecting a dowry to be coming to their home with the bride; though these same families quote the hadith on keeping the meher amount low. This act is South Asian tradition…
Thank you Megan for reaching out to us sisters. I really appreciate it.
My biggest and most challenging obstacles are the limiting beliefs I hold about myself.
Beliefs such as:
- I’ll never find someone strong enough to deal with me
- I won’t be an excellent wife
- I’ll neglect my duties because of my illness
- I’m not pretty enough.
- No one will marry me because I had a divorce
These are just some of them and I know there are many more hidden ones.
The sad part is that many of these beliefs come from things I have little control over (illness, divorce, physical appearance).
I do have control over being an excellent wife and with that I am already making an assumption about the future.
The sadder part is that I am Muslim and I am not putting much trust in Allah.
I say that He will send me the right husband. And sometimes, or many times, I often don’t inculcate this belief.
So ultimately, my two biggest challenges/obstacles are my beliefs about my marriage prospects and the HUGE role Allah plays in this matter.
ps: Awesome use of hand gestures in the video! Your steepled fingers at the commencement of each point really show your confidence, ma sha Allah!
forgot to mention:
1. Age: quarter of a century
3. I’m overcoming these obstacles through the videos in the practimate training and through life coaching from my mom
She really puts a optimistic and realistic spin on things. She teaches me to respect myself. She teaches me to appreciate Allah’s marriage plan for me and see the good in it.
Allah’s “delays” are not Allah’s denials.
Assalamoualeykoum
My problem is that my parents don’t want me to get married with a brother because we don’t have the same nationality and we dont’ have the same skin color. Mostly my parents pretend that he belongs to a lower cast, this has become a real issue for me because my parents would like someone “modern” and who is not really into religion…
I pray everyday to seek Allah’s help.
I look forward to get your feedback and help incha’Allah !
Wassalam
I got to around post 55, scrolled down and read a few more and couldn’t read any further. This is making me cry, this is so unfortunate the struggles we are going through. Here is my story.
1. Your age - 28
2. What is the biggest obstacle that has prevented you from getting married until now? - I was married and divorced before, I have two children from that marriage. I think the fact that I am divorced cancels me out in some brothers eyes, then I have two small children which I know cancels me out in even more brothers eyes (my brother in law told me a brother he was talking to about me said no he wasn’t interested,not even knowing what I look like because he said he does not want someone with small children). The other obstacle I believe is my ethnicity as another poster said. I am African American, but have very light skin (not that that matters), some sisters have posted that they are not very attractive and that has been a barrier in finding someone. I have always been told by men that I was very attractive, and often get compliments from strangers. So even for all of the men that put physical appearance so high on the list, once they see that I am black or have kids, me being beautiful means nothing. It is a very common discrimination, a lot of countires black or darker skin people of that culture are looked down upon. As Muslims we should be able to look at a person, for their deen, character and beauty, regardless of color. Even though I am not dark skinned and my skin is very fair, I am still a black woman. Wearing hijab, reading Quran, studying Arabic, praying, fasting, beautiful, educated none of it matters (in my case). Our brothers judge us to impossible standards, that is why I believe so many of us are still single.
3. What have you tried so far to overcome that obstacle?
I cant overcome being divorced, it is what it is. I cant overcome being a single mother, I am blessed to have my children. I cant overcome my ethnicity, I am beautiful in my skin and happy with my appearance. Even if I talk to brothers who are also african american like me, ethnicity is not an issue. But me having children always is. How can I win? I have tried Muslim matrimonial sites, most of which are owned by non muslims. They have not worked for me, the men are extremely narrow-minded, will want to look at your picture but not talk to you. If you email them most dont respond. They from my experience want to date a Muslim woman (including physically) before making that step to get married. I have talked to the men in my family to help me find someone, so far I am still looking without much luck…
Assalamoualeykoum
Im sorry I forgot to mention my age : 26. Thanks a lot for this initiative !
Wassalam
Age: 29
Greatest Obstacle: You know, I’m not really sure what the greatest obstacle is. I guess I could say the lack of suitable brothers that come from a similar social and religious background. I’m not talking about culture. I’m talking about the often sought-after combination of the brother who is financially stable, educated, and religious. I think I fit into this category, but how many brothers do? Also, I live the Middle East (Al-Khaleej) where I’m surrounded by Muslims. Seemingly, it should be easy to find a husband, right? No. People here really stick to their own cultural/national group. There are Western Muslim men here, but I find myself more attracted to the Arab men here. I think many ethic groups are not open to the idea of their sons marrying American women, even is they are Muslim. I have also heard of a lot of divorces between the local men and foreign women. Some of the local Muslim men don’t marry Muslim women. There is also a sizable Shi’a community here. I also think it takes a while before a man is stable enough to marry and have a family, especially with the current economic climate. Also, I don’t come from a Muslim family. So, I have no one looking out for my interests but me.
Overcoming these obstacles: When I was in the states, everyone that I knew was looking for a potential spouse me, even three imams. I also attended matrimonial retreats/seminars. Nothing worked. Then I came to the Middle East, still nothing. I did try a matrimonial website and found a brother that I really liked. He liked me too. We chatted, sent sms, and then moved to the webcam. He backed out for some reason. So that’s over. So, for me, I think I’ve tried about everything I can. Now, I leave it to Allah. I must be patient and make du’a. That’s the only option I have left.
aoa thanx alot for this effort :)my family want gud muslim guy for my marriage.hope u vil help me inshallah
jaza kallah
sory forgot to tel u my age is 29
Assalamu Alaikum.
Age: 25
My biggest obstacle would be my parents. Like another sister had mentioned, they want me to marry someone from nationality. I honestly don’t “clique” with them. I’ve been introduced to many brothers and there seems to be tension always. I’ve tried to keep an open mind but most of them that people have brought me were always Culture before religion and they usually just want to get married because they want to have the kids.
Honestly, I don’t want to end up in a marriage that goes sour learning from my parents’ marriage. I love my parents to death, they have taught me well but they just don’t understand why I don’t want to jump into a marriage where I have to learn to the love the man. What if he doesn’t learn to love me? I don’t want to risk being divorced and it scares me if I settle that I might up being those wives who can’t do anything, who have no say in their marriage. I know it’s a bit crazy of me think that I can find a man who can love me before we get married.
My parents have said I should be picky since no one is perfect. I’m not trying to find Mr Perfect but the Mr Right For Me.
I’m just scared when that day comes and when a man approaches my parents for permission ends up being a non-(my nationality), that they’ll turn him away. How should I approach my parents about this?
Sorry for the long writing.
JazakAllah-khairan Sr. Megan
=)
Sorry for the typos — ***
My parents have said I shouldn’t be picky since no one is perfect. I’m not trying to find Mr Perfect but the Mr Right For Me.
Asalaamu-Alaikum
I’m 28 and my biggest fear is either never getting married or marrying the wrong guy whose not very inclined towards pleasing Allah. My parents mainly look for education and then looks and unfortunately deem doesn’t seem to be much of a priority.
1. Your age.
25
2. What is the biggest obstacle that has prevented you from getting married until now?
I have just not been able to find the person who’ll meet me for more than one meeting. Their mothers are instantly turned off my by asian (tanned) skin, short height and I’m slightly overweight.
3. What have you tried so far to overcome that obstacle?
I am working on losing the weight Inshallah and I’m trying to strengthen my deen as much as I can in the meantime. It does get me down occasionally, but Inshallah, I will find someone.
Thank you for this program, and Inshallah, your tips will help us all find the kind of person we were made for.
Assalaumalaikum everyone!,
Subhanallah, I was really heartbroken to read some of the stories here, sometimes I think some brothers are being unreasonable/too judgemental. I also think that the concept of getting married/process leading to it has become more and more complex in the 21st century. Sometimes I feel that some sisters and brothers both set high standards, that itself is an obstacle.
I tried posting a comment here some time ago so but it didn’t load, so I’ll try again lol.
Ok here I go :
1. Your age.
23
2. What is the biggest obstacle that has prevented you from getting married until now?
Higher education and all the aspirations that come with it!,trying to find a job that is suitable as I do have student debts to pay off. I hate to say it but another obstacle of mine (which I don’t see as a major hinderance) is race, I don’t want to go into much detail but I do know people who will not marry me because I am not ‘pure’ enough with regards to ethnicity. In addition skin colour is another thing, I don’t understand why many brothers want porcelain dolls. ???
Whatever happened to beauty being skin deep?
3. What have you tried so far to overcome that obstacle?
Have browsed through those ‘popular’ matrimonial sites, but I don’t feel they are practical. I’ve tried networking with family friends (if they happen to know anyone they will sort out a meeting). Recently joined Practimate which I love! because it is interactive and actually gives real sound advice. Also been doing lots of dua.
Lets keep positive sisters! Inshallah we will all get our happy endings!
AssalamuAlaikum.
Age:25
Obstacles: My parents are originally from a south asian country with a very small muslim population. However I grew up with south asians from all over south asia and speak their common language. However people arent willing to marry ppl beyond certain countries. Also I’m a 25 year old doctor and I have found some men to be intimidated by this not to mention the fact that I currently have an extremely busy work schedule.. I also have a long-term condition which doesnt hinder me alhamdulillah in any way. I am afraid that this might turn men away as this has happened in the past.
How I have tried to overcome this:
I acknowledge my ethnicity but associate myself with Islam. I also really get into other cultures and speak other ppl’s languages when I can to make them feel more comfortable. I have attended islamic courses over the weekends etc. However it is still difficult for me to get away on weekdays. Also in the UK people are very conservative and it is very difficult for muslim brothers and sisters to meet. I grew up in a very American society so I am also looking elsewhere in the west, which thus far has proved more promising. With regards to the condition, I take my medication and get on with life alhamdulillah.
i am 22 years old, my biggest obstacle is EXACTLY the same as muslimah’s, which is finding that right one, and then having to stick to a strict criteria.
me already 31+ still not married…
my parents are not bothered about their kids marriages…
all my brothers had love marriages…
where to find….???
or stay and die single…???
Assalam U Alaikum
AGE: 31
Being married previously and having 3 children, I have been on my own for some years now. I think the main problem now is that I have become sooo independant, that having a husband who can handle my very strong minded and well developed nature to survive single handedly is impossible…to the point i have almost given up looking for a potential suitor!
InshaAllah i will find the perfect match and i will soften and maybe rely (just a little) lol, on a husband.
Wa salam
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barkatahu my sisters :),
It is sad reading all these stories. May Allah help all of us, ameen
I am nearly 21 (you prob think it is quite young). I would like to get married at this early age, and I am worried of the idea of leaving it too late
I am currently speaking to someone and …
*What is the biggest obstacle that I am facing?
-My family: I need their suppot but …
They want me to finsish my masters, get my PhD, find a job, then start looking for marriage! They say that I am still young, and will still be young when I will finish all this (i.e. at 24/25). They prefer me to concentrate on my studies for now.
They don’t trust men (practising or not), even the men in my family (uncle …) do not trust men. And they say that by me achieving something in my life before getting married, will give me some level of independance and respect (i.e. not make me slave of the man kind of thing)
-My degree and my career ambition:
I am studying engineering, and have some high career aspirations. And people usually stereotype this kind of women.
-My confidence:
I am not very confident in myself, in terms of beauty, eloquence …
-my naivety:
I am not experienced, and I know I trust poeple very easily, and I do need advice from an outsider in this, not being able to get support from my family is not helping very much.
-Mahram:
I dont have any mahram with me in this country, and my conversation btw me and the brother is kind of awkward.
*What have you tried so far to overcome that obstacle?
-I am figuring out how to introduce the topic to my mum: should wait for things to be finalised between me and the brother before annoucing my parent, or should I just tell her, hoping that she will accept the idea, and help me make a decision? The 1st option is risky plus it will be hard to keep things halal. The 2nd option is also risky, mum may reject him without even knowing him
-I have explained to the brother what are my real aspiration in life, and shown him that I am not career - obssessed (as compared being career-minded which I think is ok, at the end of the day, it is just you having a career in mind lol). I have shown him that I am family oriented, and inshAllah will be taking care of my family myself (without having to take a carer), even if I have to work part time only. Family comes before work/studies.
I understand where my family is coming from, and appreciate that are just being protective, and want the best for me. But I don’t see things the same way. I don’t see marriage as a burden, rather it brings peace and happiness in ones life, and I am happy to get married while studying. And still think there are truthful men out there.
I try to bear in mind that the Lord of the Universe does everything for reason, I (we) will get mariied when the time comes. You can’t change the destiny, you can only strive your best.
I learnt something … deep today: “And Allah is with the patient” This may seem obvious, but looking carefully, this is a deep statement, it just made so much sense to me today
PS: that was a quite long one !
My biggest obstacle had been the muslim men, and not just any muslim male but those who claim to be religious and yet they act worse then the religious once and are contanstly looking at our physical appearance subhana allah i never see this with non muslim men, why can’t our men just accept us for who we are, rather then judging us based on superficial reasons like our looks, age and race,or marital status such as being a divorcee or widower. The once i wanted to marry left me heartbroken, angry and extremely disappointed in them. My fear is going to come true, they have deprived me of the one thing i wanted out of this life and that is marriage and the possibility of one day becoming a mom. I feel robbed. This is not how a muslim who says they are religious and want to emulate the prophet(pbh)should act because our prophet (pbh) married all sorts of women.
I have went on matrimonial sites hoping that there is decent enough man who will look past my disability and get to know my inner beauty but to no avail. I know iam an amazing muslim and an amazing human being but i wish they would stop focusing on my outside and get to know me.
My disability had been a huge obstacle for me because the muslim men that is the first thing they judge me on. Most of the time they won’t even give me a chance to get to know me and the once that do which are very rare they end up rejecting me becuase they just cannot get over my disability.
Assalmu Alaikum.I’m 34 never married. I think my biggest obstacle is trusting that Allah will bring him into my life but also being patient enough not to feel like its the end of the world b/c another brother turned out to be “crazy” and so I had to pass on him.
I’m 24. I think a few things have prevented me from getting married. The first is that I’m overweight, so I think that guys just don’t consider me. I’m working on losing weight now that I realize it’s important to be healthy, not just for some guy, but because it’s what I really want for myself. Also, my dad is more comfortable with me marrying someone from my culture, and they’re not proposing either. I’ve talked to him about that before, and I think he could change his mind if a really good guy came. He’s just scared that someone from a different culture won’t value me in the same way. He has high standards for anyone who would come for me.
the biggest obstacle i find is looking for the wrong things in a partner.my parents especially my mum look for education and looks. however to me what matters is the individuals commtiment to islam and his family.
Bismelah as Salaam ‘AlaikumWa Rahmatu Allah Wa Barakatuh, I am speaking from experience about this issue. I am afraid to marry because I know many muslim sisters who were beaten by their husbands and the community did not help them. My nonmuslim mom was also a victum of abuse by my step-father. I am afraid to go down the same road, is the community going to turn it’s back on me as well if it happens to me? The second issue is that disability in the Islamic community is a tabu subject. Once a marriage service my friend signed me up for actually under line the word “blind sister” and highlighted and put “blind sister on top.” I am not ashamed of my blindness, it is a characteristic not a handicap. So dispite all my other atrabutes and achievments I was disqualified because of my blindness. I have made duwah that allah help me with my fears over the first issue because, La Hawla Wa La Quwwata Illa Billah. I have made the second issue my mission to educate the Islamic community about brothers and sisters who have a disability . The only disability one has is the inability to think outside the box and overcome their fears of what they don’t understand. The person I will marry inshallah will have to walk down the street with me and my long white cane with respect, not pity! This is my honest answer! AllahuAlim,
age: 30
biggest obstacle: i’m a convert so i lack the family network and connections. while people are always impressed that a person converted out of conviction when it comes to someone from their own family marrying a convert, it’s not that simple. atleast that’s what i’ve seen so far. friends are great. they try their best to set me up but finding a practising muslim guy that’s 30+ has been hard. and if they are practising, they seem to have difficulty committing. maybe because they have more options open to them? Allahu Alim.
what i’m doing to overcome it: dua, dua and more dua. i’m trying to get past my shyness and tell people i am looking to get married. it is humbling but insha’Allah it is all done with the right intention.
Bismillah
As’salamu Alaikum sisters,
I wanted to drop a note in here again and say thank you for sharing your hearts about marriage.
For anyone who hasn’t done so yet, I really want to invite all of you to make sure you are on our mailing list, so that you don’t miss any of the upcoming programs I am doing to offer resources for the marriage process.
Sr. Heather, your comments I’ve found in a few places and I am really moved by what you have to say. I think that the fact that you are calling us all to live up to a level of higher consciousness is beautiful and essential. Naturally,that also means you are special, not because of your “disability” but because of your profound ability to see reality the way it needs to be, instead of what it often is.
For the sisters afraid of abuse, I understand.
At the same time, the fact that there is the potential for bad in the world can’t stop you from moving outside your door.
There are men who abuse, but there are MORE men who do not.
There are people who die on the freeway in cars, but there are MORE people who are safe everyday driving.
There are people who get sick from food poisoning from eating out, but there are MORE people who are just fine.
I am going to be releasing a video about this subject soon, just starting into it (as there is much to cover on this topic) in our Find Your Mr. Right blog - so stay tuned for that.
The upcoming program I am doing, though, insha’Allah, is going to help you all find more resources first within yourself to help you in the marriage process.
Sincerely, though, I ask that Allah blesses you all with hearts that are close to Him, full of iman, so that you are blessed in the AKhirah, in Jannah, and can move through this life knowing that Rabil ‘Alameen is there, and for your patience, there is reward, growth, and hikmah behind all of those moments. Ameen.
1) Age- 31
After reading this, I am saddened to see there are several young women who are being set up (even by their families, communities, and culture) for some very serious problems in their marriages.
To explain… I was like some of the girls here: an American convert, sexually abused as a child and without a father or brother as a wali. I am short, just a tad overweight, and have acne which no doctor seems to be able to control or cure. When I was 19-20 and studying at a large state university, it seemed like EVERYONE I knew was getting engaged or married. And looking at my own situation, I felt I was a helpless case. With a mother who was hostile to Islam, my past, and my looks, I didn’t have anything “going” for me except my Deen (which for whatever reason is not enough on its own).
I found a nice, responsible and respectable brother who was willing to help me find a good Muslim husband. He could find no one. After a while this brother had moved overseas and asked me if I wanted him to keep looking, to which I agreed. A short while later, he wanted to introduce me to a “most amazing brother, masha’Allah”. This man *seemed* to have it all; good deen, good looks, good job. And not only that, but he was willing to be charitable enough to marry the lonely, INSECURE, ugly, non-virgin convert. I spoke with him on the phone a few times and agreed to marry him. The brother I had asked to help me look for a husband had a problem and couldn’t come to the wedding, so I was married off by a sheikh who moved overseas…
The problem? He was a pathological, malignant narcissist (google it if you do not know what that means). He was a living facade, a shell with nothing on the inside. He really had everyone tricked! Everywhere we went, everyone thought he was a really nice, religious Muslim. No way! He violated everything he could of me, the children, and the marriage. Honestly, I was disrespected and humiliated more than when I was abused. If you think tribal Muslims with no real education of the deen can twist it around to suit cultural practices, you haven’t seen ANYTHING a narcissist can do.
There wasn’t any help for me. He had no respect for my mother, so she couldn’t admonish him for anything. He was so arrogant that he didn’t listen to the imaams or the scholars I begged help from… instead, he learned more ways to twist things to his liking. He shopped for fatwas to do the most ATROCIOUS THINGS. The longer he was in the community, the more people trust him, believed him, looked up to him… and the less anyone wanted to help me or the children. I was labeled a kook as soon as I broke the silence. When I asked for a divorce, I was told I would need a wali so that reconciliation could be attempted before a divorce could be issued. I HAD NONE. It took me three years to get his abuse caught on tape so I could have evidence for police (for protection, since he had threatened to kill me twice before) and for the courts to protect the children from being taken out of the country (he always threatened to take the kids and leave them with his parents overseas). By the time this happened, I had severe depression and needed to be on medication.
The community didn’t help us- they spied on us. Several sisters I know were continually harassed by him, he could call them 30+ times a day and demand they tell him things. Them and their husbands would get so upset that I had to cut ties with all of my friends to keep him from abusing THEM.
What I want women to know… All of us have our situations. But don’t EVER settle on a brother because you think your time is running out, or that you should be the grateful recipient of an act of charity to marry you with your “imperfections”. There are some REALLY nasty men out there who can AND WILL trick your you, the imaam, and your parents. Sisters, please… you are all sooo much better than that. Allah did not make you cheap, so do not settle on charity! You are all beautiful and DESERVING of a long life based on mutual respect, honesty, trust, mercy, and love.
I hope insha’Allah that on this board, that families and community members will see this and realize what they are doing to the young women in their care. This is NOT Islam. When you encourage your sons to look for women of light skin color or from some country or demand that you can’t pinch an inch on her, YOU ARE DEGRADING ALL WOMEN, PERIOD. You are creating almost a caste system, one of which there are two groups- “perfect” women for respectable marriages, and another group for “flawed” women who must humbly take whatever is thrown to them. Please don’t do this!!!
May Allah have mercy on us all!
I have no real obstacles Alhumdulillah, but I haven’t got any proposals yet. I’ll be turning 23 in a week [inshaAllah]. I am waiting for a good proposal for marriage.
Age:
24
I am not really sure what I would say are my obstacles, i guess i just haven’t found the right person yet and if I think i have then it just doesn’t work out. I guess it wasn’t written for me to marry them and that i just need to have more patience Insha’Allah.
We as sisters in Islam have to remind ourselves that everything has already been written for us. Alhamdulillah
I make lots of dua that Allah swt answers all our duas Insha’Allah
We must always remember “Verily, along with every hardship is relief”
I’M A BROTHER AND READING SOME OF THE SISTERS COMMENTS, THESE ARE MY RESPONSE COMMENTS
BTW, I’M 24 YEAR OLD MALE LIVING IN THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS… I’VE SEEN A LOT! BUT READ BELOW…
1. THE OVERWEIGHT OR UGLY OR I’M TOO BLAH BLAH BLAH ISSUE: THE PROBLEM IS NOT THAT THEY CANT FIND ANYONE WHO WILL LIKE THEM, BUT BECAUSE THEY HAVE NEGATIVE BELIEFS ABOUT THEIR OWN SELVES, THEY ATTRACT NEGATIVITY. AND NO ONE LIKES NEGATIVITY. SISTERS, IF YOU’RE OVERWEIGHT, STAY POSITIVE & DO POSITIVE THINGS. SOMETHING SMALL LIKE CUTTING OUT SODAS, AND WALKING 1 MILE A DAY MIGHT CHANGE IN THE LONG RUN. TRUST ME I WAS VERY NEGATIVE AT ONE POINT, BUT NOW, ALHAMDULILLAH I LOST 30 LBS. ITS ALL ABOUT THE ATTITUDE.
2. THE MONEY ISSUE: ONCE AGAIN THIS IS A NEGATIVE/LIMITING BELIEF THAT YOU’RE BROKLE. LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE. PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN THE WORST POVERTY CONDITIONS GET MARRIED, AND IF THEY CAN SO CAN YOU. THE PROBLEM ISN’T MARRIAGE; ITS YOURSELF! GET RID OF THOSE NEGATIVE BELIEFS!!
3. THE MY PARENTS BEING TOO STRICT/ OR SOCIETY WILL THINK THIS/ OR MY GRANDFATHER IN PAKISTAN WILL DISAPPROVE OR BLAH BLAH BLAH: NEED I SAY ANYMORE? YOU NEED TO DO WHATS BEST FOR YOU. IF YOUR PARENTS WANT YOU TO MARRY YOUR PAKISTANI COUSIN, EXPLAIN TO THEM WHY IT WON’T WORK. GIVE REAL LIFE EXAMPLES. COMPROMISE. I’M SURE IF YOUR PARENTS LOVE YOU, THEY WILL COMPROMISE ON YOUR BEHALF. AND DON’T WORRY ABOUT WHAT SOCIETY THINKS - STOP THE LIMITING BELIEFS!
4. MY PAST TRAUMATIZING HISTORY: MAY ALLAH REWARD THE SISTERS WHO HAD A TRAUMATIZING HISTORY. I HAVE ALSO HAD A TRAUMATIZING HISTORY (WONT GO INTO DETAILS) BUT YOUR HISTORY SHOULDN’T AFFECT HOW YOU FEEL TODAY! WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOU WAS FROM ALLAH. AND WHOEVER DID IT TO YOU WILL BE PUNISHED ON THE DAY OF JUDGMENT. JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED, AND YOU SHOULD KNOW AND BELIEVE THAT. AND NEVER FORGET THAT ALLAH IS THE MOST JUST. WITH THAT SAID, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO CONTINUE LIFE WITH POSITIVE THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS.
I CAN KEEP GOING BUT YOU CAN SEE THE ISSUES - ITS YOU! I KNOW ITS HARDER THEN WHATS ON PAPER (OR THIS BLOG). BUT THE FIRST THING TO DO IS STOP ALL LIMITING BELIEFS ABOUT YOURSELF. YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF IN THE MOST BAREST FORM. YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF AND ALL OF IT, YOUR ACNE, YOUR PAST HISTORY, YOUR CURRENT SITUATION, ETC, BECAUSE THAT’S WHO YOU ARE. ONLY YOU CAN IMPROVE YOUR SELF. AND ALLAH KNOWS BEST.
AND I HOPE THAT SOMEONE BENEFITED FROM THIS.
AND MAY THE PEACE AND BLESSINGS OF ALLAH BE SHOWERED UPON ALL THE SISTERS. AMIN!
Im a brother too and I apologize for being in this zone but wanted to add the the comments of the brother above…maybe this blog can add a place for us too!
1. Dont be too picky.
2. Make a list of your top 3 most important things and be a little compromising on the rest.
3. Involve your family sooner than later…dont suprise your dad with a brother you have already known for a year…and dont ever hide anything…it will show!
4.I if you have a good relationship with the men in your family, take their advice! We men know men better than you just like you women know women better than us!
5. Dont think that we require hijab bc we are controlling..to a man, a hijab is a sign of acceptance of the deen and whatever Allah wills…we prefer a woman who chose this for herself and most men want a woman who does it naturally without force….on this subject…if you dont wear hijab, you are limiting yourself because there are not a lot of good Muslim men who want a woman without one!
6. Trust in Allah and be patient!!!
7. Money…men usually have to support themselves from a younger age which can cause us to take a little longer to get established…also remember that your Rizq(blessings) come from Allah, not your husband so Allah will provide your husbands with what is meant for you provided he is actually a hard worker.
I pray that Allah helps us all to find good companions for this life and the next that will be, after Allah, a catalyst in our entrance into the highest levels of Jannah!
Forgive me if I said anything wrong.
Salamualaikom
Salam,
We are not doing any matching at the moment. Our apologies.
Asalaamalaikm wr wb,
I think my situation may be a little different to the other ladies so I’ll share it but bear with me, I have issues…
I agree with ’sean’ above, you must love yourself before you can be loved. We all have curves or bones, or acne, and we ALL most certainly have crazy hair days, dark circles around the eyes and a faded tan that leaves us with jaundiced skin…that’s life! It has taken some time but I’ve come to accept that it really is your character and piety that makes all the difference.
My biggest obstacles to marriage is not my physical appearance, it is not my family or my expectations, it is in part due to my financial situation but really my biggest obstacle is my “fear of men”. I genuinely have a fear of letting any man who is not my mahram anywhere near me, and if they do climb over the 12ft fence surrounding me I have a machine gun mentality waiting on the other side!
I really don’t mean to be cruel, honestly, I would love to get married but even the thought of a man talking about marriage makes me cringe, I’m too scared that I may be leading a man on to considering me as a partner that I’d rather beat him down (not literally) before he has a chance to open his mouth…I think it’s because I’m too strict in my deen and I’m not sure how to go about getting to know a man without compromising my strict religious integrity. ={
So I want a guy who is pious but to get to that guy I will have to make a move out of my bunker but even then he may also be reluctant because of his piety, so baically I’m between a rock and a hard place, I’m still searching for the bulldozer (if it exists) but for now I fear time is my greatest enemy.
Im 26 (will be 27 in few months- yikes!lol)
Biggest obsticle? I feel is my parents, I dont have a strong social network. SO LIKE MINDED PPL DONT KNOW I EXIST!!!
I like to be very active and want to be around like minded people are (this only makes sense to be where your ideal would be). Although I manage to attend the odd event/meeting here and there, my parents really make it hard for me to go to muslim events, participate in projects, attend course etc This causes a lot of arguements & resentments with my parents. To the point they dont like me having too many friends & going out with girls so in the end even if I CAN go to these events/ gathering i have noone to go with!
So the biggest obsticle is that like-minded networks dont know i exist!!! to many ‘potentials’ who i couldve gotten to know mutually are now hitched but I just wasnt involved enough and they didnt know me
What I’ve done:
1. Attended professional marriage events.
2.Try my level best to broaden my social network outside my town I try to be more relaxed & approachable to ppl @ event(of course with islamic etiquette) @ events. So i speak to ppl.
3. Im reading up on literature to increase self awareness & understand gender/marriage topics. E.g practimate!
4.I have asked people to look out for me i have sent ‘resume’ but clearly iv got it wrong as ppl dont recommended the right ppl!
Salaam wa alaikom ukhti,
May I find you in the best state of emaan and health inshAllah.
- What prevented me from getting married is my race to career and success while getting educated and my ignorance of Islam.
- What I did? As I was finishing my master, I started learning about Islam, read the Qur’an, learn about marriage and the role of the woman and wife in Islam.
I reprioritized my goals and started preparing for the akhira… this is when, I realized “Ya Allah, I missed out on so many beautiful things”.
-So today, I leave it up to Allah while searching for a righteous partner in this dunya and akhira who has good manners and is at least as tall as me (because I am already 5′10 or 70inches :()… combination apparently pretty difficult to find but I trust Allah (’azza wa jaal):)
JazakAllah khairan.
aww, actually to be honest, I still have an obstacle up to today…
I fear that I will have to reveal my past that I am not proud of, especially that I am the opposite today subhanAllah, thanks to Allah’s blessing and inshAllah forgiveness.
Knowing who is the right person! I have tried istikhara a couple of times on 2 different people but I keep liking more and more the one where I know is not halal
I’ve just turned 33 so I guess I’m too old for this, but I’ve been deemed “expired” ever since I was 19 according to my culture that has girls married off between the ages of 15-19. I didn’t want to get married then because I wanted to go to school. In my culture and society people like me just don’t exist. Najma your story very closely resembles mine. But to add to my experiences is that my parents hate me trying to get married. Good girls don’t want to get married, it’s the bad dirty girls who want to get married. When your naseeb comes he will find his way on his own to your door. We also don’t live in a large muslim community (about 100 people including babies and senior citizens)I’ve tried explaining to my parents, I’ve tried attending matrimonial events, but I feel with out their blessings it will all be in vain. I begged my mom to give me her blessings, she said the words but I know she doesn’t mean them. I’m in this alone, my family is very much against me trying to get married. I’ve shifted my focus, because our culture now wants girls to get an education and the new expiry date is 25, so I have to figure things out for my sister and help her out before it’s too late for her (she is 20). I also keep looking for Islamic ways to meet potential husbands, but no one seems to know the answer. Instead people think I’m insane for asking. One shiekh told me he can’t help me because there are 8 000 single girls in Egypt and another told me that there must be something wrong with me to not have been able to attract a man and make him fall in love with me because marriage is the most natural thing to do. So with all this wonderful I move on. Anyways nothing in my life came easy. Yes, el7amdulilah I have shelter and I don’t have to hunt my own food, but everything I have other than that I had to break down 1000s of wall to achieve. It’s no suprise that this too is a struggle for me. Anyways, I’ve already decided if I don’t get married before I turn 35 I’m going to give up on it. I also was over come by a feeling (sixth sense if you will) when I was 23 (even though I knew I was expired I still hoped to get married) that I will never get married. So far that feeling has proven to be right no matter how much I try to fight the odds.
update to my post not 8 thousand single girls but 8 million single girls in Egypt.
Age:27
Asslam Alikum: well I was personally not even ready for marriage or the thought didn’t even cross my mind till I turned 25. I had some family obstacle come my way that even my parents didn’t think about my marriage. Also when I was from 22 till last year I had gained lots of weight. Last year I had the realization that my probability of finding a husband would be more if I can atleast be an average size. I managed to lose 90 lbs and still working on it. In our culture being over weight is pretty much suicide. Anyways I thought losing weight would just make finding the right guy easy but it’s not true. If anything there is so much pressure from my family, friends and relatives and they all fail to understand why I am not finding the right guy. Everyday the discussion of my marriage comes up and each day it’s getting harder and harder to stay single. But at the end of the day I have to realize that whoever Allah has chosen for me, he will come when Allah has it written Insha’Allah.
I am 27 years old, and single, hard to find the right brother, that is good. I am a revert into Islam, and its hard to find good man out there now in days period! When I meet brothers most of them don’t want to do the right thing, they want to do Harram, and I don’t like it. It suppose to be Halal. So I don’t bother to look much now in days, cause hard to trust anyone! I was like to the brothers lets be friends, to get to know each other, but no they want to date, but dating in Islam, is forbidden! So I just walk away from that stuff! Like I am not saying all brothers are bad, it’s hard to find the good ones! I feel bad for good brothers, cause bad brothers make the good brothers look bad! Insha’Allah I will find the right one one day hopefully, if not Allah will understand why. It just hard to find any good people now in days, and it’s sad. I don’t care about the age, or looks, just matters the person is right period! I try my best to do the right thing, and follow the right path, and avoid foridden things! Hard to find good people now in days in America!
Salamz:
My biggest obstacle to getting married is my lack of confidence. It has taken a beating over the years.
Another one is I feel there aren’t too many new people that are coming into the community. I wish there was a new way to meet some new people!
I feel my age is another factor, I am 30, not the end of the road, but still, I am not young either.
Another factor is being a revert and the way people slightly hesitate when dealing with us.
That’s all for now. Inshallah I hope my kismat opens up this year, I am getting really disheartened by this process.
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