Love vs. Compatibility: Which one do you need  more of to say “I do”

Can you fall in love with someone simple by gazing into their eyes for a few minutes?

Apparently the answer is yes! According to various studies done by scientists, the mere act of having two strangers of the opposite gender gaze into each other’s eyes brought about intense feelings of passion, attraction, and even the feeling of falling in love.

So much for the grand mystery! I’m not saying that falling in love is not a lovely feeling, but is that what we really need to feel and look for in order to know we are going to marry the right person?

Many single Muslims looking to get married are waiting and waiting and waiting to be struck down with intense emotional feelings of certainty regarding their choice of spouse. On the other side, are many single Muslims who have been struck down with such feelings, are getting married, and soon heading to a divorce.

Why, you may ask?

Marriage is not built on the feelings of being in love, but rather on the actions of being loving. They can be two totally different worlds. For example, a sister emails me telling me that she is “in love” with a man she has been talking to for two years in secret, and she wants to get married to him, but he keeps telling her it’s not time yet, and asks her to wait another five years for him to go through school.  They may be “in love” but neither of them are living by actions that are loving (without going into a fiqh discussion of halal and haram either.) You don’t have to be experienced to take a guess how that scenario is going to end.

So where does compatibility come into the picture here?

Personally, I recommend that both men and women give themselves a chance to get to know a potential spouse to see if there is any click in personality. We’ve all gone to a social event before, and met someone new, and usually by the end of the evening, you can already tell if you “click” with their personality or not, right? So if that’s true with friends, why not give that same opportunity with a potential spouse? (all while staying within Islamic guidelines)

In our training programs, we go into more detail on defining compatibility, but in short, a simple way is that your personalities feel complimentary, conversation becomes easy as time passes in getting to know them, and you have similar values and life goals.

If you find a great person, begin to enjoy their conversation, and your values and goals are similar, then it sounds like you are heading in the right direction! As for needing to fall in love, apparently all you’ll need to do then, is gaze into each other’s eyes for a few quiet minutes, and allow yourself to feel fully vulnerable and alive in their presence.

Sounds like a nice exercise once you are married!

If you think I’m joking, then please know I’m perfectly serious. Once you do get married, you will need to continue learning how to maintain a spark between you and your spouse, and this is one very powerful way. Marriage retreats and seminars that cost thousands of dollars to attend utilize exercises like these to help couples rekindle their love and passion for each other. Take note, then, this is a lifelong useful skill!

SubhanAllah, it’s no wonder there is more than one reason to lower the gaze when speaking with the opposite gender. We all know how powerful a penetrating gaze can be, so isn’t it lovely to know that that power will always be available to use in it’s proper place, which is in your marriage.