Assalamu alaikum,

Here is part 2 of our post in which we asked Sr. Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a marriage and family therapist, pre-marital counselor,  and author of   Before the Wedding: Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married the 10 most common questions we get from single brothers.

6.     How should we involve our parents in this process?

Parents should be involved in the initial stages of the relationship by knowing that you are getting to know one another for marriage. Men need to show respect to the women’s family by getting permission from her parents to pursue her for marriage. Once the couple has determined there is compatibility between them, they need to begin interacting socially with one another’s family as this will include the family and help to build family relationships with the potential spouse. Many parents will try to give their input and even their acceptance or rejection of a potential spouse. Parents concerns should be considered and heard respectfully, however, the ultimate decision to propose and marry someone is the decision of the individual.

7.     I worry a lot if I will be respected by her after marriage or will she just try to rule.

Mutual respect is a cornerstone to a successful marriage. Respect must go both ways and we cannot just assume someone will respect us because of our role or status in life. Rather respect is earned through our daily interactions with someone and through our character. If we disrespect ourselves and allow others to disrespect us, then we teach others that it is acceptable to treat us in this manner. Also, if we disrespect others through our words and actions, we build resentment and animosity from others and this will lead to mutual disrespect.

8.     What is the mindset that brothers looking to get married should be in? Like it seems a lot of us want to get married but we are told that we are too immature compared to the sisters.  How are they so mature compared to us.

The mindset that brothers need to be in when looking to get married is they need to be ready to be responsible men. They need to know that being a man is someone who is not selfish or irresponsible with his time or money. Once a brother is fully aware of his strengths and weaknesses as a man and what he will bring to a marriage, he is ready to get married. Maturity is shown through good decision making and honorable character.

9.     How come there are so many sisters that are unmarried?

There are many theories about this recent phenomenon and really not one true answer. The various factors that have lead to an increase in unmarried women is 1) young men and women delaying the time of marriage to pursue higher education 2) women being seen as too career oriented to marry 3) men pursuing women for marriage that are much younger than them and finally 4) men marrying women of other faiths.

10. What qualities wow a muslim girl?  What does she look for and what can I do to make myself more attractive to her?

Each Muslim woman is attracted to different qualities in a man. But, as I stated before, if a woman feels that she is respected and can feel secure in the relationship with a man, she will feel more attracted to the man and consider him for marriage. Relationships are based on feelings – so a couple needs to “click” and there needs to be compatible views for a future together. There needs to be a right mixture of “chemistry” and practicality between two people in order for a relationship to develop.

11. What qualities do their parents look for and do you have to impress both of them or can we just impress one of them?

Parents have their own set of criteria and hopes for a spouse for their adult child. There is not one criteria or quality, since all parents are different and will have different expectations. However, most parents want their adult child to marry someone who is a person of character and who will be responsible and caring as they seek to marry their daughter and build a new family with her. Building a strong relationship with her parents is critical as they will be a part of your life. You cannot seek to only impress one parent, rather you must be a man of character and be honest and trustworthy with her parents so that they know you will respect and care for their daughter. “Manning up” means that you show her parents that you are responsible in your daily living and that you have thought about your future and what it means to be a husband and father.

Assalamu alaikum

We asked Sr. Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a marriage and family therapist, pre-marital counselor,  and author of   Before the Wedding: Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married the 10 most common questions we get from single brothers.

Here are the first 5:

1.            How do you know if she is the right person for me?

The right person is someone who you find interesting and who shares similar values and long term goals as you. It is also someone you feel comfortable being yourself around and being honest with in sharing your thoughts and feelings. The relationship needs to feel authentic when interacting with one another, rather than trying to impress.

2.     What aspects should I look for most when looking at a potential spouse?

Allah tells us in the Qur’an, in Surat An-Nur: “…women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness and a provision honorable.” So a person’s character is the first characteristic you will notice and learn to appreciate in finding a potential spouse. Other areas that you should seek to find compatibility are religious views, long term goals and views on family and children. These areas have the greatest influence on day to day living and will inevitably set the foundation for your marriage.

3.     As a male why is there so much importance on finances when it comes to a girl and her family?  Also who is to say whats the right amount?

Allah created women with the inherit need to feel secure in a relationship with her spouse. Being married, she needs to feel security both emotionally and financially. Once a women has children, the burden of financial support is felt even greater as the family is growing and the need to care and provide for children triggers the “mother bear” feeling in women in protecting her offspring and giving them the best life. In order to be able to do this many families place a huge emphasis on finances for male suitors as a way to ensure that the family will be sustainable and financially stable. There is no “right amount” of income, however, the couple needs to be on the same page about their standard of living and their spending habits. Respecting the socio-economic level of her upbringing is important when determining your compatibility.

4.     What are the questions that I should ask to get the most out of her?

The emphasis should not be on the questions but rather on the conversations that you need to have with her before getting married. You will not necessarily “get the most out of her” by just asking her questions. You need to develop a trusting and honest relationship with her when discussing important topics like family, children, long term goals, upbringing. Only through honest and authentic conversations will your curiosity grow and you will seek to learn more about her thoughts and views. This will help guide you in understanding her more and in listening to what she is sharing with you.

5.     Should medical issues matter?  Say for example the sister has an medical issue, should I take that into account.

Yes, health issues do matter and this needs to be discussed before marriage so that the couple knows fully who their spouse is and how their medical issues will impact them as a couple. Also, significant family histories of chronic diseases, mental illness, etc. need to be disclosed so that there is honesty and there is awareness of any potential inherited diseases that each couple may have.

Inshallah we will continue with the next 5 early next week.

You can check out Sr. Munira’s book at http://www.beforetheweddingbook.com/.

Wasalamu alaikum

Can you fall in love with someone simple by gazing into their eyes for a few minutes?

Apparently the answer is yes! According to various studies done by scientists, the mere act of having two strangers of the opposite gender gaze into each other’s eyes brought about intense feelings of passion, attraction, and even the feeling of falling in love.

So much for the grand mystery! I’m not saying that falling in love is not a lovely feeling, but is that what we really need to feel and look for in order to know we are going to marry the right person?

Many single Muslims looking to get married are waiting and waiting and waiting to be struck down with intense emotional feelings of certainty regarding their choice of spouse. On the other side, are many single Muslims who have been struck down with such feelings, are getting married, and soon heading to a divorce.

Why, you may ask?

Marriage is not built on the feelings of being in love, but rather on the actions of being loving. They can be two totally different worlds. For example, a sister emails me telling me that she is “in love” with a man she has been talking to for two years in secret, and she wants to get married to him, but he keeps telling her it’s not time yet, and asks her to wait another five years for him to go through school.  They may be “in love” but neither of them are living by actions that are loving (without going into a fiqh discussion of halal and haram either.) You don’t have to be experienced to take a guess how that scenario is going to end.

So where does compatibility come into the picture here?

Personally, I recommend that both men and women give themselves a chance to get to know a potential spouse to see if there is any click in personality. We’ve all gone to a social event before, and met someone new, and usually by the end of the evening, you can already tell if you “click” with their personality or not, right? So if that’s true with friends, why not give that same opportunity with a potential spouse? (all while staying within Islamic guidelines)

In our training programs, we go into more detail on defining compatibility, but in short, a simple way is that your personalities feel complimentary, conversation becomes easy as time passes in getting to know them, and you have similar values and life goals.

If you find a great person, begin to enjoy their conversation, and your values and goals are similar, then it sounds like you are heading in the right direction! As for needing to fall in love, apparently all you’ll need to do then, is gaze into each other’s eyes for a few quiet minutes, and allow yourself to feel fully vulnerable and alive in their presence.

Sounds like a nice exercise once you are married!

If you think I’m joking, then please know I’m perfectly serious. Once you do get married, you will need to continue learning how to maintain a spark between you and your spouse, and this is one very powerful way. Marriage retreats and seminars that cost thousands of dollars to attend utilize exercises like these to help couples rekindle their love and passion for each other. Take note, then, this is a lifelong useful skill!

SubhanAllah, it’s no wonder there is more than one reason to lower the gaze when speaking with the opposite gender. We all know how powerful a penetrating gaze can be, so isn’t it lovely to know that that power will always be available to use in it’s proper place, which is in your marriage.

Inshallah tomorrow evening I will be doing a special webinar, along with Sr. Megan Wyatt,  called “Would I recommend you for marriage?”

Many young men and women ask me all the time how to get married, or complain that they can’t find someone for marriage, and ask for my help.

Before I can help you, YOU have to be ready for marriage.  There are certain requirements I believe you
must fulfill before I would recommend you to someone I know.

In this webinar, I want to share some of those with you, and how you can take practical steps to be prepared, and ready for marriage.

You don’t want to miss out, insha’Allah.

TIME: Tuesday, Oct 26th at 7pm (EST)

Also, Alhumdulilah, our Finding Your Other Half Program is live now:

Here is the Link:

Finding Your Other Half

Its only open until Friday, October 29th, 11:59pm.  It has limited seats and Alhumdulilah quite a few people have already signed up.

Insha’Allah you’ll join me in this unique 5 week easy-paced practical training program.

(The physical DVD set and workbook is on a first come first serve basis and is limited.)

I will see you all either on the webinar or inside the program or both, insha’Allah ta’ala.

Wasalamu alaikum
Yaser Birjas

Sunday October 24th @ 3pm (EST)/ 8pm (UK)

I’m afraid he’ll be controlling…

What if I have to settle …

Who will want someone like me…

I’m not good enough for him…

I can’t open up to anyone…

You don’t know my past…

What if he cheats on me later…

He might use Islam against me…

I’m not pretty enough…

My father was very demanding…

Being obedient sounds scary…

Fears that have taken control of your thought process and belief system will subconsciously sabotage any belief system or set of actions that will get you closer to marrying a Mr. Right, and ironically enough, may walk you into marrying Mr. Wrong.

Are you ready to explore some of your fears about marriage, conquer them and replace them with not just empowering beliefs, but tools to help you get over those fears?

GREAT! I thought you’d say YES!

Join me in a special webinar tackling the 3 top fears that may be standing in your way of marrying Mr.Right.