Assalamu alaikum

We asked Sr. Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a marriage and family therapist, pre-marital counselor,  and author of   Before the Wedding: Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married the 10 most common questions we get from single brothers.

Here are the first 5:

1.            How do you know if she is the right person for me?

The right person is someone who you find interesting and who shares similar values and long term goals as you. It is also someone you feel comfortable being yourself around and being honest with in sharing your thoughts and feelings. The relationship needs to feel authentic when interacting with one another, rather than trying to impress.

2.     What aspects should I look for most when looking at a potential spouse?

Allah tells us in the Qur’an, in Surat An-Nur: “…women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity: these are not affected by what people say: for them there is forgiveness and a provision honorable.” So a person’s character is the first characteristic you will notice and learn to appreciate in finding a potential spouse. Other areas that you should seek to find compatibility are religious views, long term goals and views on family and children. These areas have the greatest influence on day to day living and will inevitably set the foundation for your marriage.

3.     As a male why is there so much importance on finances when it comes to a girl and her family?  Also who is to say whats the right amount?

Allah created women with the inherit need to feel secure in a relationship with her spouse. Being married, she needs to feel security both emotionally and financially. Once a women has children, the burden of financial support is felt even greater as the family is growing and the need to care and provide for children triggers the “mother bear” feeling in women in protecting her offspring and giving them the best life. In order to be able to do this many families place a huge emphasis on finances for male suitors as a way to ensure that the family will be sustainable and financially stable. There is no “right amount” of income, however, the couple needs to be on the same page about their standard of living and their spending habits. Respecting the socio-economic level of her upbringing is important when determining your compatibility.

4.     What are the questions that I should ask to get the most out of her?

The emphasis should not be on the questions but rather on the conversations that you need to have with her before getting married. You will not necessarily “get the most out of her” by just asking her questions. You need to develop a trusting and honest relationship with her when discussing important topics like family, children, long term goals, upbringing. Only through honest and authentic conversations will your curiosity grow and you will seek to learn more about her thoughts and views. This will help guide you in understanding her more and in listening to what she is sharing with you.

5.     Should medical issues matter?  Say for example the sister has an medical issue, should I take that into account.

Yes, health issues do matter and this needs to be discussed before marriage so that the couple knows fully who their spouse is and how their medical issues will impact them as a couple. Also, significant family histories of chronic diseases, mental illness, etc. need to be disclosed so that there is honesty and there is awareness of any potential inherited diseases that each couple may have.

Inshallah we will continue with the next 5 early next week.

You can check out Sr. Munira’s book at http://www.beforetheweddingbook.com/.

Wasalamu alaikum