Assalamu alaikum,

Here is part 2 of our post in which we asked Sr. Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, a marriage and family therapist, pre-marital counselor,  and author of   Before the Wedding: Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married the 10 most common questions we get from single brothers.

6.     How should we involve our parents in this process?

Parents should be involved in the initial stages of the relationship by knowing that you are getting to know one another for marriage. Men need to show respect to the women’s family by getting permission from her parents to pursue her for marriage. Once the couple has determined there is compatibility between them, they need to begin interacting socially with one another’s family as this will include the family and help to build family relationships with the potential spouse. Many parents will try to give their input and even their acceptance or rejection of a potential spouse. Parents concerns should be considered and heard respectfully, however, the ultimate decision to propose and marry someone is the decision of the individual.

7.     I worry a lot if I will be respected by her after marriage or will she just try to rule.

Mutual respect is a cornerstone to a successful marriage. Respect must go both ways and we cannot just assume someone will respect us because of our role or status in life. Rather respect is earned through our daily interactions with someone and through our character. If we disrespect ourselves and allow others to disrespect us, then we teach others that it is acceptable to treat us in this manner. Also, if we disrespect others through our words and actions, we build resentment and animosity from others and this will lead to mutual disrespect.

8.     What is the mindset that brothers looking to get married should be in? Like it seems a lot of us want to get married but we are told that we are too immature compared to the sisters.  How are they so mature compared to us.

The mindset that brothers need to be in when looking to get married is they need to be ready to be responsible men. They need to know that being a man is someone who is not selfish or irresponsible with his time or money. Once a brother is fully aware of his strengths and weaknesses as a man and what he will bring to a marriage, he is ready to get married. Maturity is shown through good decision making and honorable character.

9.     How come there are so many sisters that are unmarried?

There are many theories about this recent phenomenon and really not one true answer. The various factors that have lead to an increase in unmarried women is 1) young men and women delaying the time of marriage to pursue higher education 2) women being seen as too career oriented to marry 3) men pursuing women for marriage that are much younger than them and finally 4) men marrying women of other faiths.

10. What qualities wow a muslim girl?  What does she look for and what can I do to make myself more attractive to her?

Each Muslim woman is attracted to different qualities in a man. But, as I stated before, if a woman feels that she is respected and can feel secure in the relationship with a man, she will feel more attracted to the man and consider him for marriage. Relationships are based on feelings – so a couple needs to “click” and there needs to be compatible views for a future together. There needs to be a right mixture of “chemistry” and practicality between two people in order for a relationship to develop.

11. What qualities do their parents look for and do you have to impress both of them or can we just impress one of them?

Parents have their own set of criteria and hopes for a spouse for their adult child. There is not one criteria or quality, since all parents are different and will have different expectations. However, most parents want their adult child to marry someone who is a person of character and who will be responsible and caring as they seek to marry their daughter and build a new family with her. Building a strong relationship with her parents is critical as they will be a part of your life. You cannot seek to only impress one parent, rather you must be a man of character and be honest and trustworthy with her parents so that they know you will respect and care for their daughter. “Manning up” means that you show her parents that you are responsible in your daily living and that you have thought about your future and what it means to be a husband and father.